Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars. He is now the whisper of legend and folk tales. His ego would be dissapointed.
His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress.
He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was.
He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant. The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.
This turtle secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Trolls having had enough of him pissing around. Gero found her though in the heat of the battle and stayed by her, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.
Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes a talking walrus.
Things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!”. This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride.
One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”. And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out.
Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king. Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus.
And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will. In some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed!
So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests plus he took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. He went and searched for Gero across the land.
And here begins our new tale….finally.