An Introduction to The Hero :
Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars.
He is now all but the whisper of legend and uber myths, a lone figure in the history of the world. His ego would be highly dissapointed after the shit hes been through.
His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress. I mean he sounded like a Bee Gee only a higher tone, he once shattered some glass by whispering.
He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was. They would see this beautiful hero rescuing them and then he would talk, game over.
He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant, or so he would believe! The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know readers it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.
This turtle who he believed to be his best friend, secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Tourists, having had enough of him pissing around she fled the scene thinking it was her chance to leave.
Gero found her though after the heat of the battle and stayed by her, he waved at her and ran very fast to catch up to her. He began to tell her all the people he had maimed and killed whilst laughing merrily, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.
Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus! It began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes thats right, itsp a talking walrus.
It would shout out things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!” This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride. One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”
And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper had put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out. He was advised that the world would be better of without the walrus and that trade would resume back to normal.
Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king who had put out the reward. He became obsessed and thought of nothing else.
Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus. What a pretty boy!
And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will and did so regularly. Apparently it started of as a joke and the king had become addicted to it.
Aldo in some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed! It also makes sense as a plot device to add into the mix.
So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests by the castle court, they were happy to help out as they hated the King. If course they didnt do anything when he was alive but there you go.
Gero took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. A religious cult that sprang up pretty much as the king died. He went and searched for Gero across the land.
And here begins our new tale….finally.