A Bingo Tale – The Interview!


Monday

Pedro Poncho arrived at the Bazzingo front doors for his interview, so excited at the prospect of being employed again!  It had been six months since he was out of a job.  Thanks to government cutbacks and various political decisions he was made redundant from his I.T job.

But that was the past and this was the future.  He promised to give this interview all he had, he was out to impress.  And so he walked into Bazzzingo, a bingo company that was doing relatively well. He passed through the threshold and found an empty reception area.

A few chairs, a desk and a TV were in this small area.  It seemed claustrophobic.  Pedro heard a whirring and noticed a camera following him.  He was on edge.

He looked around at the reception area, the place had an overpowering purple decor, everything was purple from walls to chairs.  It was like someone vomited this bright purple colour everywhere!

Pedro started to mutter to himself”Its a bit purple, bit of a shit hole as well..”

As soon as Pedro finished the last syllable a member of the Bazzingo hall staff appears out of nowhere, apparently camouflaged by the purple walls.  His uniform was the same colour!

“A shithole you say? Not very nice! hmm well never mind that, what do you want? hmmm” the man/woman stated in a slight drawl.

Pedro was taken aback “well…err…hello? I’m here for the interview…” he stuttered.

The person changed his tone and took on a pirate accent “ahar! I knew it, a new victim eh lad eh? ahar, and I suppose you be liking a cup of tea me hearty? ahar!”

“why are you talking like a pirate?” Pedro was losing patience. He kept quiet waiting for an answer.

There was a short uncomfortable silence until Pedro had to say something.

“ah never mind, I would like a cappucino” he said irritated already by this person.

The employee began to mock him “ooh a cappucino for his lordship.” The voice went from pirate to serious “listen son we don’t like arrogant people here, my names Gretchen. Watch it or ill cut yer balls off.”

“but…” Pedro interjected.

“and we don’t like people making fun of us” Gretchen kept on.

“but…”

Gretchen ignored the interruption “so do yourself a favour…”

As Gretchen was about to finish the telephone rang, three loud rings that echoed through the building. Gretchen ran to it like his life depended on it.

“Hello?!” Gretchen asked impatiently. He keeps eyeing up Pedro whilst listening, he scowled and grinned. His/her face Co rotting with emotion.

“Ok, if you say so. Your the boss, i’ll let him know.” Gretchen slammed the phone down hard.

Pedro went to walk out the door thinking the telephone call was telling him the position was filled. Besides his first experience of this place was so bizarre he wanted to go.

A high pitched scream followed him “And where do you think you are going?”

Pedro held his ears, that voice! He turned around and stuttered “Oh, i thought.. That the boss had decided to not have an interview.”

Gretchen scowled at Pedro “You’ve got the job mate, manager says he saw you on CCTV so there ya go.”

“Really?” Pedro was shocked.

“Nah, you can go, im only joking.” Gretchen grinned hard.  Another uncomfortable silence ensued.

“Oh ok, dont really wanna be here anyway.” Pedro was getting angry now, this creature was so bizarre.

“Damn it! I was kidding around ya can start tomorrow. Now fuck off you nubble.” Gretchen scowled again at Pedro, he waved him off impatiently.

Pedro exasperated “Fuck sake! Have i got it or not?!”

“Yes! Oh you are feisty! They will make a meal of you!” Gretchen said in a very camp voice.  He turned his back on Pedro and disappeared in the camouflaged wall.

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Tuatha De Danaan #2 The Wild Eyed Witch



The old hag stumbled around in her worn down cottage.  Her determination to finish the magic was of pure passion.  The cauldron bubbled and glooped as she went looking around desperately for some ingredients.

Her hair was withered and white, her eyes rolling around crazily.  She looked under old pots and pans, searching through ash and soot.  She found it!  She cackled hard and loud.

It was a jar of clear liquid.  She was about to put it in the cauldron.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you!” Said a small voice behind her. She grinned evil and narrowed her eyes to the side.

“Conarght!” She turned “Always a pleasure!” She bowed respectfully.

A little man no taller that a foot stood near the doorway. His Brown beard making him look wizened and a red hat that struck out against the night.

“And the same to you Margharta!” He looked at the jar “and..ah…what would ye be needing that for?” He nodded at the item.

“Oh this! Well I’m using it for my health, dear friend!” She screeched and guffawed.

“You truly are insane” he muttered under his breath, she didn’t notice.

“You know that’s not meant for the likes of you! It’s the sap of the Hawthorne tree!” He sighed “when will you mortals realise?”

The witch slyly looked around, she slowly danced inbetween the ruined braces of the cottage.

“But we both know I’m no mortal, don’t we? My wee saviour!  I’ve been this way for a hundred years” She hissed “it’ll be fine! No worse than what I am!” She snarled and stormed back to the cauldron.

“Please don’t, you don’t know what will happen!” Conarght pleaded.

The witch unpopped the lid, looked at Conarght while the liquid fell out, about to go in. It didn’t go in, what happened was it turned direction in the air. Safely away.

The witch cursed at him, the leprechaun remained steadfast.

“Don’t be meddling in things your not supposed to!” He warned poking his finger at her “that Hawthorne tree is not to be touched!”

With that he left and the witch was alone. She hated him, always meddling in her affairs.  She grabbed the bottle again but found it replaced with a beer bottle.

She screamed blue murder for the whole night, even conarght heard it two miles down the road as he entered the portal to his home in that Hawthorne tree.

Somehow he knew she would try again.

He would stop her.

Always.

Conarght spied on the witch for a good two weeks, he didn’t trust her and always knew she was up to no good.  He remembered how they first met.
He had honest intentions.

It was 1710 and he was walking by a cottage in Islandmagee, he heard a racket from inside.  A woman screaming insanely, he walked closer to the house to see the trouble.
He relished in mischief and could not resist the urge to look. He hopped up to the ledge as quick as a flash.  As he peered in he saw a woman sitting down at a table, she screamed “leave me alone!” And all manner of curses.

As she screamed things were flying around the room by themselves, plates smashed into walls, cups dancing around and chairs scraping the floor.

Conarght looked amazed, he started to grin.  Someone or something was doing this, he went on the hunt.  He tipped his little red hat to the woman and hopped off the ledge.

He sensed magic.

Like a beacon he was drawn to it, away from the cottage and through some hedges into the forest.  He walked another 40 yards or so and went through some shrubs.  There!

He saw her.  A silhouette of a woman who looked as of she were conducting a band.  Her hips swayed with the magic her hands waving to and fro, flicking and jerking.

She was a young thing, no more than 25 years old.  She cackled under the waning moon.  Conarght was about to go interrupt her, when some men jumped out and grabbed her.

“Margharta! You are to be on trial as a witch!” One of the four burly men grabbed her arms, another her legs.  She screamed and kicked out but she was overpowered.

Conarght giggled at the scene.  He loved all this drama, he stepped out unseen.  The men had ropes and tied her person about a tree.  They were interrogating her.

Conarght was standing right beside them unseen. Except her, she saw him, he cursed himself.

She started to grin.

The men looked on at her, she was a beautiful young woman with jet black hair with several white stripes in her hair.  A sign she had dealt with death to be sure.

“What say you witch? Have ye been tormenting yon widow in that cottage over yonder?” Asked the leader.

The witch cackled.

“Yes! She deserves it you Fools!” She screeched, the men held their ears “she murdered her husband, my lover! she needs to leave this mortal coil .. as do you!” She looked at Conarght.

“I wish you four would die a slow painful death!”

Conarght groaned, he flicked his hand.  Immediately the four of them put there hands to their chest.  They were slowly suffocating, lungs filling with water, panting and screaming the men slowly died.  It went on for hours, the pain killing them.  One of the last screamed with his last breath to let him die.

The witch cackled all the way through the mass murder.  She screamed happily. “Show yourself leprechaun!”

Conarght made himself visable, he grimaced at the thought of her. She smiled.

“Where did you get your powers?” He inquired, she was a powerful mortal.  He didn’t understand, and there wasn’t alot he missed.

“My mother’s side have been strong with magic but I’m not revealing anything to the likes of you!” She continued “I made a pact with the devil!” 

Conarght laughed out loud, the devil! Of course, always the devil.

She was not amused by this.

“I wish for these ropes to be released from me”

He flicked his hand and the ropes fell loose to the ground. She stepped over the ropes and bent down to each man, she drew little stars on each man’s forehead, the third eye.

Conarght had witnessed this in tribes a long time ago, it was normally for protection from spirits.  Dependant on the way it was drawn, it could have been a curse on their families.

This woman was evil.

“Why have you spent two wishes so quickly?” Conarght had his hat off scratching his thin Brown hair, he was trying to change the subject.

“I don’t need you!” She snapped and stormed towards him “I don’t need anybody!”

Conarght was a great judge of character.  Arrogance.  That was her trait.

“I wish to live forever now be gone with you!”

Cornarght sighed, he flicked his hand and went away through the bushes.  He went to the woman’s house, he jumped on that same window ledge.  He peered in once again.

The woman that had been petrified earlier looked relieved and happy enough. Everything had stopped moving and she was enjoying some food. Conarght felt sorry for the young woman, her tears were on a pool on the table.

He was going to meddle.

He put both his hands together and started to rub.  The magic stirring in his hands, he put his hands to the window and an invisible beam went straight into the woman’s body.

The woman felt a rush of joy, she began to cry tears of happiness.  When the beam had finished she rejoiced to god.  Her hands up to the sky.

Conarght jumped off the ledge.  As he turned he saw a shadowy figure approaching the house, the witch.  She started to run towards the house.

The leprechaun hit her with a disabling magic, she fell to the ground.  

“You’re not to go near her, ye hear me?” Conarght boomed. “If ye do, I will murder you a thousands times and more, I’ll keep bringing you back too!”

The witch spat.

“She killed my lover, you imp!” She started to sob.

Conarght pointed to the house “that place is protected, she is protected! You cannot touch her, if you do the magic will return to you tenfold whilst she remains unharmed.  And.” He added for impact “that includes all her kin from now to eternity.”

The witch cursed and ran off.

That was the first time Conarght encountered the Wild Eyed Witch.  For 80 years or so their paths crossed.  She was very tricky to deal with.

And here he was two weeks after his last encounter, watching her trying to get more Hawthorne sap.  She dug into the tree roots and recoiled in horror when she was thrown across the forest floor.

He protected his home.

She was a nuisance.

The witch sat in crumpled mess from where she’d been thrown.  Muttering curses at the air.  She wasn’t hurt, just in shock.  She started to rub debris off herself and slowly stood up.

“Show yourself devil” she said without conviction.

Conarght appeared right by her foot, his height reached her knee joint.  How old and withered she had looked, how fierce her eyes still glared.

She scowled.

“You did this to me, wretched thing. All I ask is for some Hawthorne sap to get me some youth.  You deny me!” She glared at him and pushed on “why???”

“If I recall rightly you’re the one who wished to live forever” his little finger pointing, accusing “ye should never take wishes for granted!”

She went to kick conarght but he dodged so quickly, she had no hope. Conarght giggled at the kicked leaves falling around her.

She looked pitiful, the once beautiful witch was now a hag.  Destined to grow older and older till she was nothing but bone. Conarght had a bit of sadness for her, not much and not even sadness.  He couldn’t place it, his eyes brightened.  He knew what it was, it was pity.

The witch started to sob. Conarght shown himself, the witch stopped sobbing. She wiped her tears.

Conarght went to a large stone and sat there, his feet dangling over the edge moving to and fro.  

“Why do we cross paths so much? There must be a reason!” He asked out loud, perhaps not even to the witch.

“Well, you are meddler. I am but a magic user, I made a simple mistake with a wish” her eyes still wet “is there anything to reverse the wish?”

Conarght shook his head, he stood up and pointed in her face “I told ye, ye must be careful what ye wish for!  I can’t magic an unwish, there’s nothing I can do for you!” He started to pace up and down with his hands behind his back. 

He wanted to help, at least if he did he would have little trouble with the witch as she wouldn’t be long for living. He took his hat off and peered inside the big hole.  He started to whisper into it and the witch swore she could hear a whispering back.

The leprechaun looked up from the hat, he shook his head.

“There is a way of reversing the wish” he shook his head knowing full well her answer already “but you have to give up your magic.”

The witch was angry.  She physically shook with rage.

The leprechaun knew full well this would not end well.  As he put his hat back on his head a lightning bolt hurtled fast at the leprechaun.  A powerful bolt from the witches hand.

The leprechaun put his hand up and repelled the bolt like it was a rubber ball.  The lightning bolt smashed into the witch and she fell back, stunned.

Conarght tutted, she should have known better.  He went to check the witch and she was breathing fine, he clicked his fingers and her body rose up in the air.  It was levitating and following the leprechaun.

He took the floating body to the Hawthorne tree, he waved his hand and a black mist appeared.  It was a portal to his home, he disappeared into it with the floating body.

Inside this portal was pure brilliant white, a room of immaculate cleanliness. There was nothing in the room but Conarght and the floating body.  He waved his hand and the body dropped.

The witch woke up. She was amazed.

“Ah-where is this? Am I alive?” She was checking herself.

Conarght looked at her “you are deep in the heart of my magic, from here you can do anything.  Be anything.  The only thing you can’t do is hurt, this is your home now. This room” he waved his arm around “is your kingdom, all you need to do is think”

“So I’m your prisoner?” The witch snapped.

“No nothing of the sort” the leprechaun grinned. “You’ll never age, if you want to be young just think.  Trust me this the best offer you’ll get from me.” He added with a bit of smarm “or I could take your magic.”

She looked angry again.  Always angry this one, if only she knew what he had done.  She would be as angry as the old Gods of Ireland!

“I’m helping you, Margharta!” Conarght turned away and flicked his wrist, the black mist forming. 

“Farewell, my angry little witch!” He turned and bowed with his hat.  He turned back to the mist.

He walked through it and was once again in the forest.

He chuckled.  The witch was imprisoned all right, she was in an illusion, a room created out of magic.  Nowhere near his home, he wouldn’t have that.

  The witch would still be there for millenniums, but the most important thing is he wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore.

And Sometimes, just sometimes when the full moon was out, the little leprechaun could hear faint cries of help.

He smiled every time because he knew they were her cries. And she deserved it.  Arrogance will get you no where, especially when dealing with a leprechaun.

The world was better off without that Wild Eyed Witch.

The Crescent : No.10


“He’s been banging her for years Marge!” The middle age man breathlessly said, then taking another draw of his rollie ” I mean my god her husband doesn’t even know!”.

Marge looked at her husband with a grin, she loved the gossip.  As she grinned the massive gap between her front teeth could be seen.  Holding her baby like a badge.

“I know Fred, right? She goes on the school run, comes home and does the dirty deed. The tramp!” She smiled, Fred was a loyal husband and she knew he’d never cheat.

There was a loud sound from the loft, they could hear it down in the kitchen.

“I swear there’s rats up there, I may have to have a look love” Fred said.

“No, don’t worry. I don’t think it’s rats. Probably just the wind, it gets draughty up there” marge mimicked the wind “I’ll have a look in a while”

“Alright so Marge, I’ll leave it to you!”

He puffed on the last of his rookie, put down his mug of tea and grandly announced he was going to the job centre.

Marge stood at the window and tutted at her neighbour who was having an affair. “Dirty old trough, imagine carrying on like that” she tutted once more.

Fred looked at her, he was happy to have such a loyal woman.  Best one on the estate, he got a real catch there.

He stood up, gave Marge a kiss on the cheek and got his keys.

“Don’t forget the list!” She said and pulled out a list longer than a toilet roll. “We need the basics love”.

“Fair dos, I’ll see you later love” he said lovingly.  He closed the front door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Marge put the baby straight in his travel cot and went sprinting upstairs.  She got an old broom and tapped on the attic door.  The loft hatch opened and the built in ladder slid down. A man came down the ladder.

“Is he gone?” The man asked wiping sleep from his eye.

“Yes, now come over here and do me harder than a bottle of lambrini!”

The man obliged and went full throttle.

And so here starts the tale of The Crescent.  A little housing area were everyone gets involved in each others lives.  Marge and Fred are one of many families that live in the Crescent.

STAR WARS Episode IX NEWS!



STAR WARS FANS here is a leaked scene :

This is what will happen in Episode IX!

Rey goes to the outer limits and finds a dark mysterious planet, she was pointed to it via Luke Skywalkers force ghost. 

The millennium falcon slowly lowers down onto the surface of this planet.  It’s cold and dark and only lit by a small moon, the air is crisp and smells of rot.

Rey leaves the ship with chewie  and go on a long exploration of the planet.  They get attacked by a group of humanoid creatures but the heroes defeat them.

They find a massive castle with a twinkling starlight over it.  The shape of an arch.

As they approach the castle the doors swing open, a small figure approaches them.  It’s holding a light sabre, the figure switches it on and reveals it to be a red light sabre.

The figure takes his hood off revealing to our horror who it was.

“Haw ha! I knew you’d find me! Haw ha!” He said with a scowl.

“Mickey mouse????!!!!! Really?” Rey was pissed off big time.

The Revenge of the King – An Introduction!


An Introduction to The Hero :

Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars.

He is now all but the whisper of legend and uber myths, a lone figure in the history of the world. His ego would be highly dissapointed after the shit hes been through.

His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress. I mean he sounded like a Bee Gee only a higher tone, he once shattered some glass by whispering.

He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was. They would see this beautiful hero rescuing them and then he would talk, game over.

He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant, or so he would believe! The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know readers it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.

This turtle who he believed to be his best friend, secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Tourists, having had enough of him pissing around she fled the scene thinking it was her chance to leave.

Gero found her though after the heat of the battle and stayed by her, he waved at her and ran very fast to catch up to her. He began to tell her all the people he had maimed and killed whilst laughing merrily, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.

Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus! It began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes thats right, itsp a talking walrus.

It would shout out things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!” This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride. One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”

And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper had put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out. He was advised that the world would be better of without the walrus and that trade would resume back to normal.

Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king who had put out the reward. He became obsessed and thought of nothing else.

Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus. What a pretty boy!

And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will and did so regularly. Apparently it started of as a joke and the king had become addicted to it.

Aldo in some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed! It also makes sense as a plot device to add into the mix.

So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests by the castle court, they were happy to help out as they hated the King. If course they didnt do anything when he was alive but there you go.

Gero took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. A religious cult that sprang up pretty much as the king died. He went and searched for Gero across the land.

And here begins our new tale….finally.

The Death Of Bruce Delaney : Chapter 2 : The New Eyes


Bruce followed his eldest son out the hospital wing, he who had looked after him for so long in his old age. The tears streaming down his son Donald’s face, he was anguished and torn apart by the grief.

If Bruce could tell him he would tell him to “man up” or “stop being such a wally”.  

Suddenly without warning Donald looked to his right where Bruce stood and held his are out. Bruce put his hand over his sons and suddenly Donald’s body was glistening and sparkling.

Donald never noticed or showed surprise at this so Bruce assumed it was just for his eyes.  His son let out a little snicker.

“Don’t be a wally” he said aloud sobbing and smiling through the anguish. Bruce smiled and let out a little giggle, he knew his son would be OK.

His son slumped to the ground and kept crying, his hand over his head as if to hold the grief up that dragged his head down.

He could hear voices far away, children’s voices asking “Where’s Grumpy Granda?”.  The voices he knew were Donald’s two small children, he would miss them alot. They had his cheeky ways and a good sense of humor.

A little hand touched Bruce’s, right next to Donald’s slumped body was a little girl no less than eight years old.

“My daddy misses me very much!” she said putting her arms around Donald. “If only he knew how lovely and pretty it is! I miss him and my mummy too, they will have fun with me when they get here”.

Bruce was in shock at the little girl, her hair in curls and little bows going up and down in plaits. Her blue dress immaculate complete with pure white socks and little shiny blue shoes.

“Maria?’ Bruce asked.

“Yes I’m Maria, at least I think so. I’m waiting for my daddy so I can get my new name” the little girl giggled and smiled. She twirled like a ballerina, full of fun.

Bruce thought of this little girl, 8 years ago Donalds wife Sarah had a baby.  The baby was delivered but was still born, her name was Maria.  The same little girl he was speaking to right now.

The little girl looked at her daddy, her smile evaporated and became thoughtful. She looked at him and then to Bruce. 

“He misses us lots and lots grandpa” she looked a little sad “he doesn’t know how happy we all will be!” her sweet voice stated.  the smile was back and she twirled and giggled.

Bruce could not help but wrap his arms around the little girl and hugged with all his might. how precious and beautiful she was, with tears in his eyes he smiled. he was coming to terms with his new life.

“I wouldn’t be too happy if I we’re you!” snarled a voice, Bruce stood up and put Maria behind him. he saw a black cloud just near the far wall where the room Bruce died.

Snarling like a dog emitted from this cloud. Maria came out from behind Bruce’s back.

“It’s the bad people grandpa.  don’t worry, you are safe” her voice confident.

A long arm came out of the cloud with sharp talons and spikes that looked like hair. it laughed maniacally and cursed obscenities.

Donald shook from his sobbing and stopped concentrating, the creature whispered negative things and Bruce saw that Donald was agreeing as if they were his own thoughts.

He started hitting himself in despair, the creature laughed as it’s arm came ever closer to Donald.  it’s full body was emerging from the black cloud, Bruce saw horns and gnashing teeth. Red eyes glowed with hatred and malice.  Bruce went forwards, he instinctively had to protect his son.

As Bruce walked forward the dark cloud shuddered, the demon fixed it’s eyes on him.  it started to swipe at him but could not touch Bruce, it seemed he was protected. it spat at him many times and cursed obscenities once again.

The cloud was getting smaller and Donald had stopped hitting and believing the demons lies.  the demon roared one final time and was gone as soon as Bruce got to it.

“You’re brave grandpa! I love you!” Maria yelled excitedly.

“Thank you Maria, I love you too!” he ran to her and picked her up, the twirled around and around the hospital wing. Her dad unknowingly saved from the forces of evil.  

Maria left him a few hours later to go explore the world. Bruce wanted to see the other family members, he dreaded if another demon appeared.

The Crescent : No.22


The poshness of number 22 can not be described.  Everything in the house was cold and organised. Immaculate and clean, straight and efficient.

 Josephine had a highly paid job and her husband had a monopoly on his services.

Josephine sat on the sofa drinking a green tea when a rap at the door.  Josephine rolled her eyes and went straight to the door.

She opened it.

It was her pimp.

“Yo posh nosh where ya been last night girl?” He asked calmly.

“Hey Norman…” she started.

“Don’t hey Norman me with that bullshit. Shit…you’re my money. Remember that!” Norman was getting irritated.

“Sorry” she replied sheepishly.

“Well shit ain’t ya gonna ask your daddy in?” 

“Y-y-yes by all means come in” Josephine ushered him in. Norman looked around.

“Mmmm, lordy, you have got some fine shit in here. Mmm hmm.” Norman was holding a crystal bear ornament.  He laughed a little.

“Well uh, I expected some work done for me last night” he started undoing his buttons “so I expect you to work hard right now”.

Josephine was already undressed and bent over.  Expecting it.

Just as Norman was about to take his clothes off the rattling of keys. Josephine’s husband.

Norman’s face switched from lustful to serious in an instant. Josephine stared hard at the door, in walked her husband Kyle.

Kyle looked at his naked wife then at Norman. Norman stared and broke the silence.

“Bitch! Where were you last night? You my number one rent boy, bitch!” Norman yelled.

“I was just taking the night off boss, I’ve got sting ring” Kyle replied.

“Bitch please, sit on over there” Norman said pointing at the sofa. He gave a disgusted look “gave you employee of the month and everything”. He turned back to Josephine.

“sting ring! PAH!”

Letting Go


Her face was against his chest, the gentle moonlight lighting the outline of her beautiful face. Captivated by her beauty the man breathed slowly as he gazed long and hard.

She was his dream come true, a glimmer of hope in a cold cold world. A cold world he had created by his own mistakes and regrets. A world that was beautiful turned ugly by his own hands.

Yet this beauty slept without his thoughts interrupting. He kept her close and hugged her tightly. Her brown eyes woke to the tightness and she gazed into his, he brought his hand to her face and tilted it as he brought his mouth close.

A deep longing kiss between the two lovers, a moment of madness overtook his mind as he stuttered to say the words he had thought to say.

He stopped himself as she asked what the matter was. He looked away as if looking to the past and whispered that he wanted to marry her.

Awkward silence with still the tightness of a loving embrace. How could he love anyone as much as she? How could anyone love him?

Eventually she retreated to her side of the bed and passed out as he left her alone and walked out the door. They would remain friends even though every fibre in his body wanted to scream that they should be together.

He was desperately in love but he had to let go of this beautiful woman who had saved his life literally and figuritively many times over. She was the greatest woman he had ever known and she was his best friend.

For now though all that was left was letting go.

The Trolley Ghost


Kaje was a worker at Sunrays Bins, a local supermarket where the happiest customers often shopped.  So happy that they screamed, ranted and argued with incredible joy! 

Kaje was a happy go lucky kind of guy who always had a smile on his chops.  He would often help little old ladies with their shopping whilst occasionally taking a tip or two.  He was very jolly and would often joke and play pranks on other colleagues. But he could be serious when the occaisiob arose.

So he was a trolley attendant and always remained faithful and duty bound to collecting the little buggers from all sorts of places.  Once, he found a trolley in a toilet which was even more embarrassing because it was stuck in a female cubicle.  

He loved his job until one day…. 

He would remember this day for the rest of his trolley days.  He killed a man with a snake line of deadly trollies.  Number 32 of the 213 trollies he looked after was at the front.  He was like a shepherd tends to his sheep.

Yes I guess you could say he was the saviour of trolleys.

I digress, Kaje was pulling trolleys to and from locations scattered across the car park. 

Then it happened!!

A young gangly fella appeared out of nowhere, the guy was under extreme duress after having (Kaje heard later) an argument in-store over a refund policy gone wrong.  The guy was called Jonny and he did not see the snake of trolleys speeding towards him.

So infuriated was the man that the last thing Kaje saw was a popping vein in his head.  Kaje screamed to the man but it was too late.

Poor Jonny was squished beneath the line of trolleys and was instantly crushed.  Kaje ran over to the man and heard his last words.

“You killed me…damn refund policy” the man paused, his face turned to anger “Are you listening to me? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”

Kaje nodded his head sadly and the man calmed then slowly closed his eyes and that was the last thing he saw, a trolley attendant holding him.

But that was not the end. God no, it was only the beginning.

A week or two later Kaje started getting some fuzzy tingly feelings.  Number 32 trolley was at the front of the snake that killed poor unfortunate Jonny.  It was this particular trolley that had a mind of its own.

It kept ramming into Kaje at the most random times, it was always vibrating and Kaje would get depressed when he took charge of it.

It was a month later after many knocks and bruises that the true nature of the trolley was revealed.  The Trolley inadvertently trapped the soul of jonny and he was attached to it forever.  Jonny appeared to Kaje in an attempt for him to be released.

“unbelievable man, I was just going home and you killed me” Jonny ranted going around the trolley “don’t even like this store”

Kaje just looked on open mouthed, scared but unsure of what was happening. Jonny carried on ranting.

“I was just going home and you” he pointed his long finger at Kaje who jumped “YOU! YOU…you…flamingo!”.  He was making a point of Kajes bright pink high viz.

“But I didnt…you walked…uh” Kaje stopped as he was aware some people were staring.  He grabbed the trolley and started to walk, Johnny got in.

“Ah so this is where we are at my good man!” Jonny smiled menacingly “I can talk but you can’t.. .this should be fun!”

Kaje jumped out of his skin when jonny jumped out of nowhere.

“God damn it jonny!” He said exasperated, his face turned from shock to anger. Jonny stared whilst smiling goofily.  A group of customers at Sunrays Bins started to stare.

There’s that crazy trolley fella at it again they thought.  Kaje face turned red, embarrassed. Jonny continued to stare goodly then he broke the silence.

“Well you did crush me to death with the trollies!” Jonny smiled “what’s a little surprise between two friends?” With this Jonny faded into nothingness leaving Kaje alone.

Just as Kaje was about to get back to work the manager of Sunrays Bins came running out, her long blonde locks flowing behind her as she ran towards Kaje.  He saw her in slow motion running, she stopped running and approached Kaje.

“Kaje!!! Customers are complaining again of you talking to yourself!” Her blue eyes looked worried “are you Ok?”

As soon as she finished Jonny came out of nowhere and yelled at the top of his lungs “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Kaje screamed in terror, the manager fell back nearly losing her feet. She looked at Kaje worried “take rest of the day off Kaje”.

Jonny was blowing raspberries and shouting obscenities at Kaje.  Kaje had to shout over Jonny noise as he couldn’t concentrate properly.

“BUT I’M OK LEANE!” He shouted, the manager was looking a bit cross as he was shouting and there were customers watching.  Jonny continued calling over his shouting “I’VE JUST BEEN…UNDER..A..BIT OF…STRESS!” 

Leane pulled Kaje to the side and whispered angrily in his ear “Listen you wee gobshite don’t ever, ever shout at me in front of customers.  I don’t let anyone talk to me like that, not even my girlfriend!” She paused and thought for a moment “have a fucking day off, I understand the pressures of moving trolleys and the problem you have dealing with the death of that young man.  Just have a fucking day off!”

She pulled away and looked him in the eye “have a fucking day off!”.

She walked back to the store or rather stomped.  Jonny was still ranting and yelling.  

“Shut the fuck up dead guy!” Kaje quietly said so that no one could hear him but Jonny.  Jonny stopped immediately and lunged at Kaje but fell through Kajes body. Kaje sniggered in spite of himself, jonnys face was a grimace.  Pure hatred was on his face. 

“RIGHT! before I go…and thank you for the day off my friend…i want to set some ground rules.” Kaje had had enough and was determined in his course of conversation.

“You cannot leave far away from this” he pointed at the trolley “so what I will do if you carry on is just abandon the trolley, if it comes back it will be left! We are stuck in this predicament.”

Jonny interrupted “because of You!”

Kaje continued through gritted teeth “be that as it may…i will not be dealing with this the way you want. Who would talk to you if I were gone?  No one would stay in the job long enough!” Jonny mouth was open in shock.

So with the quiet conversation finished he left Sunray Bins and went home and relaxed.  He was having a nice time with a chilled beer and some pizza when a rap at the door.

He opened the door, an empty trolley.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Jonny jumped out of nowhere.  Kaje jumped, his beer bottle flying through the air, his pizza thrown straight up.  Kaje fell to the floor in a heap, the pizza landing neatly on his head with a plop.

Jonny rolled around on the floor laughing and roaring.

This meant war, oh yes, it was on!

Kaje groaned.  It was gonna be a long day.

One Cigarette Before I go


The dark silhoutte walked towards the dark forest beside the lakes, carrying a rope with a hangmans knot. He carefully made this rope with his own hands, every strand carefully and skillfully woven it to its ultimate tightness.

He walked slowly and solemnly as the ground crunched beneath his feet, his tears dripping along the ground. His journey to oblivion was near its end.

He started to remember bits and pieces of his life, the mixed up issues and hurt thrown around his mind. The joyful moments also but they were less. The pain outweighed the good.

He pulled from his pocket a box of cigarettes, one left in the packet, his last action before leaving the world he called the Savage Garden. He put the noose around his neck which freed his hands for use.

He took out his lighter.

He walked on as he took the single cigarette out, a flick of his thumb and the lighter sparked a flame. illuminating his isolated face against the thick darkness that surrounded him.

He was nearly there as he puffed on his cigarette, he put the lighter away. He was going deeper into the forest to his impending freedom. As he delved into his pocket he felt the crumpling of paper, his last note, his last cry of rage against the world written on a piece of paper.

The rope dragging behind him weighed him down but he didnt care, he sucked on the cigarette feeling the smoke warm his throat. A throat that would struggle later on.

He was there finally, the tree he had chosen weeks back. Near this tree was a memorial grave to a baby, he often thought if he died would he see that baby. He sniffed at the thought, that baby must be lonlier than he.

He climbed the tree carefully and silently, the rope weighing him down, his thoughts began to race and he wondered when would he be discovered. It didnt matter. Not to him.

He thought of how useless he was to everyone and everything, how the world turned its back on him and he closed himself off

Before he knew it he was high up in the tree, a thick branch that was sturdy enough for him. He tied the rope around and around and made sure it was tight. He sat and gazed at the moonlight view. Cars whizzing by in the distance, the lakes behind him.

This is it he thought, the end of his 35 years on earth, what had he achieved? Failed relationships, a burden upon everyone, the pain started to form through tears in his eyes. He sobbed with his hand covering his eyes, his hand pouring watery tears to the ground 10 feet below. He started to hit himself in the head in frustration, nothing would console him.

The pain was too much right now, he calmly relaxed and stared with watery eyes. And then.

He dropped. The rope following his plummet, suddenly the rope snapped and the deadmans knot snapped, there was no struggle. He died and the pain was gone.

A silent forest with a silhouette floating grimly in the air. A baby was heard laughing and cooing near the tree, they were not lonely any more.