A Bingo Tale – The Interview!


Monday

Pedro Poncho arrived at the Bazzingo front doors for his interview, so excited at the prospect of being employed again!  It had been six months since he was out of a job.  Thanks to government cutbacks and various political decisions he was made redundant from his I.T job.

But that was the past and this was the future.  He promised to give this interview all he had, he was out to impress.  And so he walked into Bazzzingo, a bingo company that was doing relatively well. He passed through the threshold and found an empty reception area.

A few chairs, a desk and a TV were in this small area.  It seemed claustrophobic.  Pedro heard a whirring and noticed a camera following him.  He was on edge.

He looked around at the reception area, the place had an overpowering purple decor, everything was purple from walls to chairs.  It was like someone vomited this bright purple colour everywhere!

Pedro started to mutter to himself”Its a bit purple, bit of a shit hole as well..”

As soon as Pedro finished the last syllable a member of the Bazzingo hall staff appears out of nowhere, apparently camouflaged by the purple walls.  His uniform was the same colour!

“A shithole you say? Not very nice! hmm well never mind that, what do you want? hmmm” the man/woman stated in a slight drawl.

Pedro was taken aback “well…err…hello? I’m here for the interview…” he stuttered.

The person changed his tone and took on a pirate accent “ahar! I knew it, a new victim eh lad eh? ahar, and I suppose you be liking a cup of tea me hearty? ahar!”

“why are you talking like a pirate?” Pedro was losing patience. He kept quiet waiting for an answer.

There was a short uncomfortable silence until Pedro had to say something.

“ah never mind, I would like a cappucino” he said irritated already by this person.

The employee began to mock him “ooh a cappucino for his lordship.” The voice went from pirate to serious “listen son we don’t like arrogant people here, my names Gretchen. Watch it or ill cut yer balls off.”

“but…” Pedro interjected.

“and we don’t like people making fun of us” Gretchen kept on.

“but…”

Gretchen ignored the interruption “so do yourself a favour…”

As Gretchen was about to finish the telephone rang, three loud rings that echoed through the building. Gretchen ran to it like his life depended on it.

“Hello?!” Gretchen asked impatiently. He keeps eyeing up Pedro whilst listening, he scowled and grinned. His/her face Co rotting with emotion.

“Ok, if you say so. Your the boss, i’ll let him know.” Gretchen slammed the phone down hard.

Pedro went to walk out the door thinking the telephone call was telling him the position was filled. Besides his first experience of this place was so bizarre he wanted to go.

A high pitched scream followed him “And where do you think you are going?”

Pedro held his ears, that voice! He turned around and stuttered “Oh, i thought.. That the boss had decided to not have an interview.”

Gretchen scowled at Pedro “You’ve got the job mate, manager says he saw you on CCTV so there ya go.”

“Really?” Pedro was shocked.

“Nah, you can go, im only joking.” Gretchen grinned hard.  Another uncomfortable silence ensued.

“Oh ok, dont really wanna be here anyway.” Pedro was getting angry now, this creature was so bizarre.

“Damn it! I was kidding around ya can start tomorrow. Now fuck off you nubble.” Gretchen scowled again at Pedro, he waved him off impatiently.

Pedro exasperated “Fuck sake! Have i got it or not?!”

“Yes! Oh you are feisty! They will make a meal of you!” Gretchen said in a very camp voice.  He turned his back on Pedro and disappeared in the camouflaged wall.

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The Revenge of the King – An Introduction!


An Introduction to The Hero :

Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars.

He is now all but the whisper of legend and uber myths, a lone figure in the history of the world. His ego would be highly dissapointed after the shit hes been through.

His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress. I mean he sounded like a Bee Gee only a higher tone, he once shattered some glass by whispering.

He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was. They would see this beautiful hero rescuing them and then he would talk, game over.

He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant, or so he would believe! The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know readers it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.

This turtle who he believed to be his best friend, secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Tourists, having had enough of him pissing around she fled the scene thinking it was her chance to leave.

Gero found her though after the heat of the battle and stayed by her, he waved at her and ran very fast to catch up to her. He began to tell her all the people he had maimed and killed whilst laughing merrily, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.

Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus! It began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes thats right, itsp a talking walrus.

It would shout out things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!” This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride. One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”

And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper had put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out. He was advised that the world would be better of without the walrus and that trade would resume back to normal.

Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king who had put out the reward. He became obsessed and thought of nothing else.

Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus. What a pretty boy!

And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will and did so regularly. Apparently it started of as a joke and the king had become addicted to it.

Aldo in some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed! It also makes sense as a plot device to add into the mix.

So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests by the castle court, they were happy to help out as they hated the King. If course they didnt do anything when he was alive but there you go.

Gero took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. A religious cult that sprang up pretty much as the king died. He went and searched for Gero across the land.

And here begins our new tale….finally.

The Tourettes


The crypt was cold and dark which left a very intense atmosphere in the air. Suddenly a silhouette of a man stumbled and fumbled in the cold cave, he was trying to find his way through. He had come here through rumours of hidden treasure buried in the depths of the cave.

He was quiet but he heard a noise to the left, a scuttling noise which he assumed was a rat. He chuckled to himself for being a coward but he sensed danger again after a few moments.  He felt hot air against his face and could have sworn a person was in front of him for a brief moment.  Nervously, he backed away then his arm twitched and quick as a flash flicked out hitting the wall.

“Damn it, cotton buds! Turtle soup!” He shouted and then hushed himself by putting his hand to his mouth. Something wasn’t right, an aura of evil was here.

He fell to the floor feeling hopeless. Moonlight streamed into the crypt through a small crack in the entrance. A thin claw was illuminated as it came toward the man.

Gasping the man went into full tourette mode.

“Gang tickling bum sniffle cardio!” His arms flailed as the hand moved ever closer to his shoulder. He swiped at the hand to move it away.

The hand retreated.

He felt the crypt was empty now. That the vile creature had disappeared. Did he imagine it? His heart was racing, his lungs felt frozen.

Laughter.

The creature was laughing.

The man’s arms kept twitching of their own accord. He had full blown tourettes and he was near hysteria in this panic.

The creature approached once more.

“Who dare disturb my home?”

The man flinched, the words came from every direction.

“WHO DARE DISRURB MY HOME?” the creature screeched.

“Floundering Mouse shit!” Replied the man. Scared, he kept quiet. The monster seemed taken aback.

“Hmm floundering Mouse shit eh? Floundering yes, yes, yes perfect name for a mortal…would you like me to light the room?”

“Shit crackers…yes…banana boat!” He replied.

“You’re a bit weird arnt you boy?” The creature flicked his fingers and the room lit up. What the man saw nothing, then he looked sharply to his left and there was the creature.

He stood like a statue, a statue with elongated fingers and legs. But his top body was small and tubby, his head merged into his very tubby shoulder line. His eyes beamed red and his razor sharp teeth were smiling.

The man fainted.

———

He awoke to singing, a beautiful songstress singing a melody made from the very fabric of heaven.

“Be still child,
All is well in dream,
It won’t seem to be long,
Just a moment with me”

The voice repeatedly sung this. He looked around, the room was still lit. He was confused, what’s happening he thought.

“Cock womb ling fudge packing fungus!”

The man kept looking around, trying to figure out where the singing came from. He stood up and walked around the cave. There were etchings on walls, lots of counting strikes.

His arms struck out and he hit his head.

A name was wrote next to a locked door, it said ” plekio pille”. Strange he thought.

“Plekio pille…what the hell is this…”

Suddenly a great realisation hit him, he turned to the entrance! It was covered over, sealed shut. No light came through.

He cried in frustration.

“Drunken fishing, toadstools”

The singing drove him mad. It was making him insane.

He fell back and closed his eyes. His eyes opened. He was looking up at the ceiling…the creature was hanging from the ceiling staring into his soul whilst singing this melody.

The creature stopped singing.

“You want to know what plekio pille means?” He asked.

The man petrified, nodded his head. The creature grinned.

“It means “I kill people”!”

With a swift drop the creature dropped to the man.

“Any last words mortal?”

“Yes” said the man.

“Well, go on!” Impatiently the monster growled, his razor sharp teeth dripping in poison.

“What are you? Bum droplets and candy canes, biscuits”

“I am…I am a ….oh fuck it!”

With that the creature tore into the man’s chest, straight to his heart and devoured it whole. The creature contorted awkwardly and at strange angles.

His work was done, he ate the heart and devoured the man’s soul. He stood up and went to the marks on the wall and with a long finger scraped a line next to the others.

It was time to celebrate. This was the 250th line on the count.

Time to get ready for the outside.