STAR WARS Episode IX NEWS!



STAR WARS FANS here is a leaked scene :

This is what will happen in Episode IX!

Rey goes to the outer limits and finds a dark mysterious planet, she was pointed to it via Luke Skywalkers force ghost. 

The millennium falcon slowly lowers down onto the surface of this planet.  It’s cold and dark and only lit by a small moon, the air is crisp and smells of rot.

Rey leaves the ship with chewie  and go on a long exploration of the planet.  They get attacked by a group of humanoid creatures but the heroes defeat them.

They find a massive castle with a twinkling starlight over it.  The shape of an arch.

As they approach the castle the doors swing open, a small figure approaches them.  It’s holding a light sabre, the figure switches it on and reveals it to be a red light sabre.

The figure takes his hood off revealing to our horror who it was.

“Haw ha! I knew you’d find me! Haw ha!” He said with a scowl.

“Mickey mouse????!!!!! Really?” Rey was pissed off big time.

Warlords : The Queen Of Shards


The frigate bounced off the waters with magnificent speed, the calm sea waters disturbed by the great ship Queensbane. Twelve cloth sails propelled the frigate faster than any ship known in Earthengaugh. 

 On board were the 113 crew including the Captain Banobany as well as the 100 ton of plunder. She had sailed the rough seas of Earthengaugh for close to 12 years.  Her red hair always tied in a pony tail under her black hat.  Her immaculate black suit and white shirt stood out against this crew. 

She looked into her spyglass and saw her target.  A ship ahead in the horizon with the flag of Tartha.  Her hated enemy, it’s emblem of a Red Cross with black arrows pointing outwards.

She smiled menacingly and shouted down to the few crew members gambling on the deck.

“Avast!” She yelled.  An instant hush surrounded the deck and the crew looked up in awe. A small grin appeared on her face, she hopped off her platform and somersaulted onto the deck. She landed gracefully and put her hands behind her back.  One hand within easy reach of her scimitar, she paced up and down.

“Those bastards are sailing on a ship a little farther to the North.  We need to be swift! Dead men tell no tales!” She growled the sentence then looked at a few of the faces with a piercing nglare.  “Well?” 

“Get on with it!” She demanded.  A few of the men winced and suddenly the hush turned into shouts of commands. Men rushing here and there, some pulling various ropes to set the main sails up.  One pulled a rope and up rose the flag of the Queensbane.  Four green Daggers pointing in each direction.

The ship’s pace fastened and the ship was soon near the enemy.

******************************

“Captain Banobany will suceed in her mission Lord Commander!” The Queen knelt forward on her throne “you should have more faith in her Sir!”
The Lord Commander grimaced at being scolded by the Queen.  This royal woman was no fool and he knew the price of not taking advice.

“My queen” he started confidently but took a deep breath to think clearly “I trust your judgement but this Captain Banobany is a known pirate”.  

The Queen interrupted.

“Ah! Ah! Ah” she tutted “Not a pirate any more. Dear Sir she’s a privateer!”

The Lord Commander was thrown off guard and his expression was puzzled. The Queen urged him to proceed.  The Lord Commander took another deep breath and continied.

“Nonetheless I have concerns she may turn to our enemies if the price is right.  Hoc confident can we be that she will keep her contract.  This item you need is so precious!” 

The Queen rose from her throne.  She towered over the audience in this grand chamber.  Her mithril throne glittering behind her.

“She will Sir Lancel! For if she does desert us…she will die!” The Queen sat down abruptly and Sir Lancel frowned.  He immediately bowed to hide the frown from this Queen, she was dangerous.

The Queen contemplated her next course of action.  She looked carefully at Sir Lance  his dark eyes showing their true intent and distrust of her plan.  She had to play this out carefully, she could have him executed but then his loyal men would not align themselves with her.

He was a smart man she knew this, with his colourful rainbow hair and brooding honour she had to keep him on side.

“Very well my loyal Lord.  I have decided that you should take a ship of your choosing from my Armada, take the best men in my Kingdom.  Make sure she completes her goal!” The Queen bent forward in her seat “Do this and be successful or I shall send you to the Mithers!”

The Lord Commander winced and bowed once again.  He took his leave with several soldiers behind him.  

The Queen sat back and put her closed hand to her chin as if in contemplation.  Her voice confident she commanded her advisor forward.

“Sir Alistair!” She did not mo e from her stance.

“Yes Ma’am” a stocky little man standing to the right of the queen answered.

“What say you of our current predicament?” The Queen was still staring at the door that was now closed.

“Sir Lancel is a valuable asset to our kingdom.  I fear that although he is loyal he does not trust this pirate” the Queen turned her head abruptly in annoyance.  Sir Alistaire nodded in apology “he does not trust this privateer, I believe this is the best outcome if we are to recover the Shard.”

The Queen turned her head back to the door.

“Hmmm.  Indeed.”  Her eyes narrowed as she thought of the Shard.

****************************

The frigate Queensbane was hurtling towards the enemy ship at dazzling speed, it was less than a league away.  The crew were getting ready for battle, Captain Banobany growled as she took out her spyglass.

She saw the enemy crew loading cannons and running around deck to prepare for battle. She smiled menacingly.

“Boyce!” She shouted and a toothless crewmember with one hand scuttled next to her.

“Yes cap’n?!” Boyce said excitedly.

“Arm the lads! Make sure the boys hold on tight when we near the ship.” The privateer looked back into the spyglass.

“Aye, Cap’n!” He ran off to command the crew to obey the orders.  

The Captain never looked away from the ship, she was looking for weak spots in the ship.  She noticed after closer inspection what looked like charred wood, a tell tale sign the ship had recently put a fire out under the deck.  It was on the aft end of the boat, perfect to sink this ship.

It was a difficult situation as she had orders from the Dreadful Queen to recover a shard and she could not sink it straight away.  That same Queen who blackmailed her into the Royal Contract, her blue eyes narrowed.

“Margyle!” She roared and a tall skinny man appeared to her left side.  

“Yes Captain!” He stood proudly taĺl beside her.  She threw the spyglass behind her and with fast reflex he caught it.

She paced up and down the platform never taking her eyes of the distant ship.  Her arm raised as she did so.

“Take a look in the spyglass, at the aft side just under the main deck.  What do you see?”  She concentrated her pointed finger at the vessel.

Margyle grinned, this woman was not only beautiful but clever “You’ve found a weakness Captain!” 

“I’m thinking to sink the miserable vessel to the depths of Eloin.  But alas there is something I need to attain in it” she narrowed her eyes and glared at Margyle “as Weapon Master good this great frigate I’m wondering if you have any input?”

Margyle took the spyglass away for a moment, he looked at this beautiful woman.  Then he looked back into the spyglass.

“We could still sink the ship…just means that time would be important…and the bravery of the crew” at this point there was a similar at his throat.

“Our crew not brave enough boy?” Sneered Banobany.

He took the spyglass from his eye and looked her straight in the eye “I’m not talking about our crew…but theirs!” The scimitar dissapeared in an instant. She snatched the spyglass back and viewed the ship, she noticed that most of the enemy crew looked malnourished and chaotic.  This might be easy.

“Very well Margyle! Load your cannons and give the order on my sayso!” She turned the steer of the ship and made a straight path to this doomed vessel.

The frigate was closing in cutting the water like a hot knife on butter.  Soon they were organised and the Captain addressed the crew.  Her platform was enough room to give her speech and she started with her scimitar in the air.

“Lads of the sea! Our enemy is not far” her scimatar pointed to the ship “we are but moments from glory! Give your all to this cause and I will give you fortune!  Disobey and you know the consequences!” She squished her sister so fast it seemed a glint of sun had appeared.

“We shall storm the ship! Follow my lead, I will board with half of you, when I do the remaining crew must pull back our frigate to the side and blow a hole into the aft end of that ship!” She put her scimitar away “Draw lots on who is staying and who is storming with me!”

She turned to the enemy ship who was so close now, they would be there storming the vessel in less than 5 minutes. The Captain gave the steer over to a crew member and balanced on the bowsprit, walking so delicately with her scimitar out and a dirk in the other.  

The enemies were moments away and the bowsprit was approaching the vessel quickly.  The Captain grinned menacingly and let out a roar!

“Boys! Get ready for war!”

The fierce roar of the crew of the Queensbane echoed along the empty sea.  Only the seagulls who flew heard along with the enemy.

Captain Banobany leapt with mighty courage as the bowsprit touched the enemy vessel.  She screeched and howled as enemies rushed towards her but she danced through the skirmish with fìnese.

Her scimitar whirling around her head and hitting each target, the dirk did as much damage and caught an unfortunate enemy up through his chin and mouth.  Blood squirting everywhere and on her white blouse.

It didn’t take long before half her crew were storming the ship, they were behind their captain.  Some of the enemy crew had guns and were shooting, Captain Banobany looked around searching for the bastards Captain.  

She scanned the scene whilst shots were being fired from all directions.  She saw him, he was looking down upon the scene.  What a coward she thought! He should be in the skirmish, she ran towards him and cut unto several enemies killing then instantly.

Her dirk stabbing the eyes out of an unlucky deck man.

“Landlubbers!” She chortled as she ran straight to the platform where this Captain stood.  A blade narrowly missed her side and she stopped, turned around and faced the attacker.  Her eyes narrowed looking at the spindly crew member, she cut his leg off with one mighty scimitar cut.

She turned and ran back towards her target, a musket fired towards her and bullet aimed straight for her heart. She saw the smoke from the musket and dived into a roll along the galley and jumped on to the staircase to the platform where the pirate captain stoood.

“Targosa! I am here to kill You!” Banobany sneered as she pointed her scimitar at his chest, the dirk in her right hand held out in readiness.

Targosa looked down the length of the scimitar, he glanced to the right where on deck the two crews fought with ferocity.  The howls and screams vibrating through the timbers.  It was hard to tell which side was winning.

“You cannot defeat me Banobany! This is not a woman’s worl-” he gulped as the scimitar pressed on his throat.  She looked to her left and smiled menacingly.

“Looks like you’re going to be defeated Targosa!” Her eyes narrowing and her blue eyes showing true rage, she looked at this Captain and found nothing of a leader. His short black beard and young clean face betrayed the truth.  She understood her error at the last second.  This was not Targosa.

She ducked as a cutless swept through the air aiming to kill her.  She lost her balance to the rocking motion of the ship.  She stared up and there was the real Targosa with his cutlass bearing down on her.

The pirate gaffawed as he saw her lying there, she kicked out and flipped forward. She was on the attack now and proceeded to duel in the midst of battle.  Metal swords blinked together as she feigned and thrust, Targosa studied her as they fought looking for weaknesses in her defense. 

Her face full of malice she thrust forward, as she did so Targosa swung his cutlass narrowly missing the top of her head.  This was her weakness.

He twirled around as her scimitar missed his left shoulder by a whisker, he countered with a downward cut and a step forward throwing her off balance.  Banobany pushed back until both swords were crossed between them.

“You need to die you coward!” She spat in his eye and he stumbled backwards, she sneered and the full rage came in a blur from her criss crossing scimitar.  The dirk digging the air in between the strikes until Targosa was on the floor surrendering.

“Enough!” He yelled at this crazed woman but she was not stopping, her sword was about to thrust when she stopped.  Her hateful eyes looking down at him, she had defeated him now whether tobkill him or keep him for other purposes.

She kept the sword on him and surveyed the scene behind her.  Her crew were beating the enemy but the Queensbane was a little bit behind the enemy ship.  She saw one of her crewmembers coming towards her in panic, his bloodied face showing battle scars and the adrenaline could be seen from his eyes.

“Ursula!” She shouted, this man heard his Captain and went straight over to her.

“Tie this Captain up! He’s coming with us, maybe the Queen will give us a price for him” she kicked him hard in the stomach and Targosa winced and weighed in pain.

Instantly Ursula found some rope and tied Targosa up so tightly he was bleeding.

“You’re a fine fighter wench, but you’re not a pirate!” Targosa spat at her foot and she responded with a knee to his chest.

“You’re right Targosa. I’m not a pirate tis true, I’m a God damn privateer.” She sighed as she turned and looked at her ship which was on its starboard side. Cannons facing the enemy ready to fire at the enemy ship, she had to be quick.

“Boys!” She screamed amongst the fighting “throw the enemies overboard and be prepared! The cannonballsare to fly!”

She turned to Ursula “Make sure that yellow livered excuse of a pirate gets on our boat alive!” Her face turned to menace “or else!”

She opened the door to the deck below and dissapeared to find the shard she was ordered to find.

Banobany rushed down the stairs to the lighted deck below, her eyes squinted to adjust to the dim light.  Her scimitar out in case of a rushing attack but no one was here in this small room.  The room was stacked with boxes full of food, there were no treasures that she could see.

She looked to the end of the room and there was a small door, she rushed towards it and tried to open.  It was locked.

Cursing her misfortune she stepped a few paces back and kicked at the door, it was a strong kick but not enough to break.  She took another run at the door and kicked as hard as she could, the moment she struck the door there was an almighty crash.

The door flew open and she flew in, caught by surprise she landed in a heap and another crash hit the boat.  They’ve fired the cannons she thought, she looked around and she could see this was a living quarter with a bed and cabinets.  

The Shard was here she was told and she began to search high and lo frantically looking for this item.  Another crash and the boat was tilting very slightly, she turned to look elsewhere when her eyes widened.  

She turned back and looked at the bed, it was under there she was sure of it. She lifted the bed and to her surprise was an old man lying in strange garments.  He looked at her in horror.

“Who are you?” He asked weakly, his eyes bloodshot and his beard quivering.

“Never mind who I am! Where’s the shard??” Her malice returning, another crash against the boat.  

“Shard? It’s not here i promise you!” The old man looked shocked at the mention of a shard. Banobany lifted her scimitar for the kill.  “Noooo!  It’s not here but I can get it if you let me live!”
Banobany had no choice but to lift the old man “you are coming with me, if I find out you’re lying to me it’ll be worse than drowning on this vessel!”

The old man nodded slowly, she grabbed him by the tunic and dragged him up. “Get moving!” She booted his behind and he fell forward, another crash of the cannonball against the enemy ship.

They both ran up the steps and out onto the main deck.  Her ship was now advancing back as this ship was tilting further up.  Most of the enemies had perished as well as her crew, there were at least 30 men left of her crew.  

Ursula still had Targosa at the aft of the ship, the Queensbane was near to this ship now so close that they could board very soon.

Banobany looked behind her thinking she had made a grave error however she had no time left to think on.  She threw the old man down to the main floor and jumped swiftly down. 

The Queensbane was edging near this ship and the crew on-board were already getting the boarding planks ready.  This vessel was fast sinking, Banobany was dragging this old man to the aft end of the boat.

It was starting to rock uncontrollably with water getting in, Queensbane was moments away.  Finally the moment came to board back safely, boarding planks down and the crew boarded back on.  They were carrying loot from the cargo deck, enough to keep them happy.

The old man and Banobany were the last to board, as soon as Captain landed on the Queensbane the enemy ship started sinking into the depths of the sea.

She walked amongst the cheers and yelps of her crew, happy to have anothèr victory on the sea.  She confidently walked around on board until the noise died down, she raised her hands up.

“Lads you did me proud!” She grinned widely “you shall eat like kings tonight! And maybe one of you will be lucky to spend a night in my company!” The men eagerly looked at her wanting the offer.  She continued.

“And then!” She gyrated “you can eat like a king!” The men howled in laughter and lust, they did truly love and fear their leader who had brought them fame and fortune.

“Now men! We must keep our wits about us!” She took her scimitar from her scabbard and rested it on her shoulder and paced the floor.

“For we are not all friends here” she stopped at Targosa and put the point of the scimitar to his Adams apple, she raised an eyebrow.

“Are we? My dear cowardly Captain?”


The Mighty God shivered with anger, he stood an impressive height against the priests that bowed before him.  The void was black as night, only the inhabitants of this void were illuminated in a light yellow aura.

The God was humanoid with great bulging eyes, and long hair, a massive crown upon his head.  His name Seurez and he was the God of Illumination, a fierce fighter for balance in the world.

“You must find all the Shards my loyal priests!” His voice boomed and blasted around the empty void, seemingly bouncing into infinity.

The Priests kept bowing in their medititative posture, their voices returning telepathically to the void in agreement.  Yes my Lord!

“I am bound within my realm to stop such calamities, my brother has told me that I must let the creatures of Earthengaugh to do as they please!” The God looked saddened then returned into grimacing again.

“I will inform you of precise locations of the nine shards when I know them, we must protect them at all costs! The Queen must not have them!”

Yes Lord of illumination!

The Priests loved this God of their order and believed in his view on things, they were wholeheartedly connected to his course of action.  The God grew stronger with the belief of these priests, all 12 of this order had done great things in his name.

He nodded with hope “Go now my priests, except for the High Priest Banjael.  I should like to speak to You!”

Eleven of the priests dissipated into nothingness leaving the void and returning to their bodies.  Rejoicing as they went.

Praise Seurez! God of illumination!

 One priest left in the presence of this mighty being.  “Banjael! I want to give you the shard locations, my vision is cloudy and I wish to use your powers to find the Shards.  This Queen will not prevail!”

The God held out his hands, he concentrated his mind on the priest, as he did so symbols flew out from his head and went to the priest.  A yellow ring with a black hole settled on the priest and landed on his head.

Teleportation! The God said telepathically.

Another golden symbol came and settled upon the priest this time it was a bull with mighty horns.

Strength!   He said again telepathically.

The God was bestowing gifts upon this priest to use on a quest for the shards.

Thank you my Lord! Replied the High Priest.

The God shook the concentration and his booming voice returned.  “Find the Queensbane! There you will find the Shard!”

Praise the God of Illumination!

“Go my child!”

The High Priest dissipated into nothingness and returned to the mortal world of Earthengaugh.

************************

Banobany kicked the old man down the stairs to the stow, then Targosa followed.  She went down the stairs after locking the door, she casually walked down the stairs to the two figures lying on the floor.

They were writhing in agony, so for added measure Banobany kicked both in the stomach.  Wincing and writhing they were both pleading for her to show mercy.

She stepped over them and ignited a few lanterns, she hummed a sea ditty as she did so adding to the eerie atmosphere.  She walked to a table with chairs and grabbed two of them at the same time.  The rocking of the boat making a creaking sound whilst she walked.  She set the chairs next to each other, she grabbed the old man and set him on the chair.  Then Targosa was placed upon the other, his hat falling off as he was placed.

He spat at her, his hands tied behind his back.  She returned the favour with a strong punch in the man’s groin.  She bent down and put her face just a few centimetres away from Targosa.

“Targosa” she said calmly “let’s make thìs a nice conversation” she grinned menacingly.  The enemy Captain was in agony and could not concentrate, she turned her head slowly to her left.

“And you!!” She tutted “You need to give me info on this shard!” She took her dirk out and just played on his cheek, not driving it too hard and not too soft.  The old man’s eyes widened in horror.

“Think carefully!” She took the dirk of him and played with it in front of his eyes.  

She stood up and paced with her hands behind her back, after returning her dirk to its belt.  She walked backwards and forwards in concentration.

“Targosa?” She turned to him with a questioning look “why would a feared pirate have an old man on board?”

Targosa looked at her and started guffawing, he was laughing hysterically and looked at her all the while.  He stopped as soon as he felt her scimitar on his groin.

“Tell me!” She demanded.  

“Well…we found…” her scimitar pressed harder “him…on the island of Gartner….” the scimitar point prodding on.

“Spit it out man or lose them!” She snarled.

“That’s just it…banobany…he said he needed passage…” he grimaced as the blade was cutting “please…stop! I can only tell you this! I’ve nothing else!”

Banobany believed him, his eyes told the truth and a man that was in a predicament such as this would confess his sins to the great God’s of Dalon!

She sat on the table looking at the backs of the prisoners, Targosa was heaving up and down.  His laboured breathing over the suffering he had endured.

The old man had been still the whole time, thìs man was strange and she called out to him.

“Old man, what is your name?” Her questioning was not threatening and he didn’t seem scared.

“I have many names in this world, this life my name is Dariot.” He said with confidence, her eyes rolled.   Great! We have a lunatic!  She slapped her hand on her thigh and gaffawed which brought the uneasiness to another level.

“So! We have a mad man and a madder pirate!” Her eyes widened in delight and she smiled, she walked past the chairs to the stairs.  She walked up and before she ascended she turned “Targosa you should be happy!” She laughed “you are going to see the Queen!”.

“And You!” He pointed at the old man “you will explain to her about the shard!”.

To her surprise the old man laughed so she responded by running and landing a punch that knocked him over in the chair.  Happy that he got the message she straightened her tunic and ascended to the main deck.

She locked the door and returned to Captains Duties.  Something still did not sit right.

*********************

Dariot was still in the same position on the floor that he was left in, he was groaning.

“What a woman! Eh?” Targosa exclaimed to the fallen man.  His face full of admiration, he was only half the pirate she was and he had a morbid fascination with her.  He hated her too.  He was conflicted in what he felt.  The old man broke his concentration.

“How could she leave me like this?” The old man had a massive bruise on his head from were she struck him.  He struggled to get up and kept trying to find momentum.

“No point old man, lie there and pray to the gods!” Targosa sighed deeply “No point.”

Dariot gave up the struggle and lay still, he surveyed the dark room and breathed a sigh of relief that at least the woman had left the room.  

Suddenly a blue rectangular light appeared just by Dariots head, black colour filled the thin blue line and it looked like a doorway.

Two hands reached out and grabbed the old man in the chair.  He was dragged in quickly through the portal before Targosa even noticed.  The doorway closed as suddenly as it appeared.

Targosa looked around in horror that the man was gone, his eyes widened and he feel extreme pressure on his chest.

What would Banobany do now to him when he didn’t even know?

It was a few hours later and he heard the door unlocking…

The Trolley Ghost


Kaje was a worker at Sunrays Bins, a local supermarket where the happiest customers often shopped.  So happy that they screamed, ranted and argued with incredible joy! 

Kaje was a happy go lucky kind of guy who always had a smile on his chops.  He would often help little old ladies with their shopping whilst occasionally taking a tip or two.  He was very jolly and would often joke and play pranks on other colleagues. But he could be serious when the occaisiob arose.

So he was a trolley attendant and always remained faithful and duty bound to collecting the little buggers from all sorts of places.  Once, he found a trolley in a toilet which was even more embarrassing because it was stuck in a female cubicle.  

He loved his job until one day…. 

He would remember this day for the rest of his trolley days.  He killed a man with a snake line of deadly trollies.  Number 32 of the 213 trollies he looked after was at the front.  He was like a shepherd tends to his sheep.

Yes I guess you could say he was the saviour of trolleys.

I digress, Kaje was pulling trolleys to and from locations scattered across the car park. 

Then it happened!!

A young gangly fella appeared out of nowhere, the guy was under extreme duress after having (Kaje heard later) an argument in-store over a refund policy gone wrong.  The guy was called Jonny and he did not see the snake of trolleys speeding towards him.

So infuriated was the man that the last thing Kaje saw was a popping vein in his head.  Kaje screamed to the man but it was too late.

Poor Jonny was squished beneath the line of trolleys and was instantly crushed.  Kaje ran over to the man and heard his last words.

“You killed me…damn refund policy” the man paused, his face turned to anger “Are you listening to me? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”

Kaje nodded his head sadly and the man calmed then slowly closed his eyes and that was the last thing he saw, a trolley attendant holding him.

But that was not the end. God no, it was only the beginning.

A week or two later Kaje started getting some fuzzy tingly feelings.  Number 32 trolley was at the front of the snake that killed poor unfortunate Jonny.  It was this particular trolley that had a mind of its own.

It kept ramming into Kaje at the most random times, it was always vibrating and Kaje would get depressed when he took charge of it.

It was a month later after many knocks and bruises that the true nature of the trolley was revealed.  The Trolley inadvertently trapped the soul of jonny and he was attached to it forever.  Jonny appeared to Kaje in an attempt for him to be released.

“unbelievable man, I was just going home and you killed me” Jonny ranted going around the trolley “don’t even like this store”

Kaje just looked on open mouthed, scared but unsure of what was happening. Jonny carried on ranting.

“I was just going home and you” he pointed his long finger at Kaje who jumped “YOU! YOU…you…flamingo!”.  He was making a point of Kajes bright pink high viz.

“But I didnt…you walked…uh” Kaje stopped as he was aware some people were staring.  He grabbed the trolley and started to walk, Johnny got in.

“Ah so this is where we are at my good man!” Jonny smiled menacingly “I can talk but you can’t.. .this should be fun!”

Kaje jumped out of his skin when jonny jumped out of nowhere.

“God damn it jonny!” He said exasperated, his face turned from shock to anger. Jonny stared whilst smiling goofily.  A group of customers at Sunrays Bins started to stare.

There’s that crazy trolley fella at it again they thought.  Kaje face turned red, embarrassed. Jonny continued to stare goodly then he broke the silence.

“Well you did crush me to death with the trollies!” Jonny smiled “what’s a little surprise between two friends?” With this Jonny faded into nothingness leaving Kaje alone.

Just as Kaje was about to get back to work the manager of Sunrays Bins came running out, her long blonde locks flowing behind her as she ran towards Kaje.  He saw her in slow motion running, she stopped running and approached Kaje.

“Kaje!!! Customers are complaining again of you talking to yourself!” Her blue eyes looked worried “are you Ok?”

As soon as she finished Jonny came out of nowhere and yelled at the top of his lungs “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Kaje screamed in terror, the manager fell back nearly losing her feet. She looked at Kaje worried “take rest of the day off Kaje”.

Jonny was blowing raspberries and shouting obscenities at Kaje.  Kaje had to shout over Jonny noise as he couldn’t concentrate properly.

“BUT I’M OK LEANE!” He shouted, the manager was looking a bit cross as he was shouting and there were customers watching.  Jonny continued calling over his shouting “I’VE JUST BEEN…UNDER..A..BIT OF…STRESS!” 

Leane pulled Kaje to the side and whispered angrily in his ear “Listen you wee gobshite don’t ever, ever shout at me in front of customers.  I don’t let anyone talk to me like that, not even my girlfriend!” She paused and thought for a moment “have a fucking day off, I understand the pressures of moving trolleys and the problem you have dealing with the death of that young man.  Just have a fucking day off!”

She pulled away and looked him in the eye “have a fucking day off!”.

She walked back to the store or rather stomped.  Jonny was still ranting and yelling.  

“Shut the fuck up dead guy!” Kaje quietly said so that no one could hear him but Jonny.  Jonny stopped immediately and lunged at Kaje but fell through Kajes body. Kaje sniggered in spite of himself, jonnys face was a grimace.  Pure hatred was on his face. 

“RIGHT! before I go…and thank you for the day off my friend…i want to set some ground rules.” Kaje had had enough and was determined in his course of conversation.

“You cannot leave far away from this” he pointed at the trolley “so what I will do if you carry on is just abandon the trolley, if it comes back it will be left! We are stuck in this predicament.”

Jonny interrupted “because of You!”

Kaje continued through gritted teeth “be that as it may…i will not be dealing with this the way you want. Who would talk to you if I were gone?  No one would stay in the job long enough!” Jonny mouth was open in shock.

So with the quiet conversation finished he left Sunray Bins and went home and relaxed.  He was having a nice time with a chilled beer and some pizza when a rap at the door.

He opened the door, an empty trolley.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Jonny jumped out of nowhere.  Kaje jumped, his beer bottle flying through the air, his pizza thrown straight up.  Kaje fell to the floor in a heap, the pizza landing neatly on his head with a plop.

Jonny rolled around on the floor laughing and roaring.

This meant war, oh yes, it was on!

Kaje groaned.  It was gonna be a long day.

Clumsy Daddy (A Bedtime Story)



Clumsy Daddy woke up with a start.

*BANG*

“Oooh my noggin!” He said clutching his head after banging it from the window sill over his bed.

*TWEET TWEET HEE HEE*

Laughed the birds.  Clumsy Daddy decided to roll out of bed.

*THUMP!*

He landed on the floor with a thump.  He groaned as the birds continued to TWEET and laugh.

“You birds will get it!!” He growled through gritted teeth.

Never mind he thought to himself, I’ll just go downstairs.  So he walked to the bedroom door and opened it very quickly however he did not know the door was slightly ajar.

*BANG!* 

He pulled the door so hard that he hit his nose with some force.

“OWHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He screamed like a little girl.  The birds laughed again.  He put his hand up to rub his nose, he opened the door very sheepishly.

He went to head down the stairs but what he didn’t realise was that there was a roller skate at the top stair. He flipped over and started tumbling down the stairs.

*CRASH!*

*BANG*

“OOF! OUCH!”

*BANG*

*CRASH*

“OOH!”

*THUD!*

He was at the bottom of the stairs in a heap.  What a day he thought to himself.

He recovered after a good hour rest and decided to get up and make some breakfast. So he ran to the kitchen door and did the same thing as the bedroom door upstairs.

*SMACK!*

“Oh double whipped cream!” He cursed in such a sweet way.  He then opened the door gently and entered the kitchen.

He went to the fridge and opened it up to its glorious food heaven. He grabbed a pack of bacon and a tub of butter (He dropped the butter on the floor but didn’t notice!).

So he put the oven on three clicks and took out the grill.  Smacking his lips he was so hungry!  He placed four delicious slices of the fattest bacon upon the grill and shoved it in the oven.  He forgot to take his hand away before he closed the oven door.  Silly clumsy daddy!

*BANG*

“Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Clumsy Daddy was running around the kitchen waving his hand frantically and did the first thing logical to his clumsy brain.  He turned the tap on.

He let it run for 5 seconds then stuck his hand underneath.  What he didn’t realise is that he put the hot water on.

“Owwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee!!” He was feeling very annoyed and hurting! He ran screaming round the kitchen, past the back door which had a dog looking in.  The dog was shrugging it’s shoulders and saying “arff! Rats groing wron?!” Which as we all know is doggy language for whats going on.

Clumsy Daddy calmed down and decided to make himself a coffee, the kettle boiled and he was ready for it.  He poured the hot water in and took a swig.

He spat the coffee everywhere as it was so hot, so hot in fact he couldn’t feel his tongue! 

“Ahhhhhhhhhh ttoooooooooo hooooooot!”

He decided to make some toast, the bread was put in the toaster and clicked down.  He awaited for the delicious toast, he decided he would test his coffee again.  

“Oweeeeeeeee still to loo hot!” He spat the coffee everywhere once again!  The toast popped up ready to be buttered.  He then forgot about the bacon so he rushed to the oven when…

…there lying on the floor was the butter and clumsy daddy went flying around the kitchen in a figure 8.  He unlocked the back door accidently, he knocked over pots and pans and hit his head of a fruit bowl.  

He landed in a heap in the middle of the floor when the dog came bounding in! It started licking clumsy daddy all over and kept going “arff! Arff!”.

Clumsy Daddy groaned, time to go shopping…

A Bingo Tale – The Interview!


Monday

Pedro Poncho arrived at the Bazzingo front doors for his interview, so excited at the prospect of being employed again!  It had been six months since he was out of a job.  Thanks to government cutbacks and various political decisions he was made redundant from his I.T job.

But that was the past and this was the future.  He promised to give this interview all he had, he was out to impress.  And so he walked into Bazzzingo, a bingo company that was doing relatively well. He passed through the threshold and found an empty reception area.

A few chairs, a desk and a TV were in this small area.  It seemed claustrophobic.  Pedro heard a whirring and noticed a camera following him.  He was on edge.

He looked around at the reception area, the place had an overpowering purple decor, everything was purple from walls to chairs.  It was like someone vomited this bright purple colour everywhere!

Pedro started to mutter to himself”Its a bit purple, bit of a shit hole as well..”

As soon as Pedro finished the last syllable a member of the Bazzingo hall staff appears out of nowhere, apparently camouflaged by the purple walls.  His uniform was the same colour!

“A shithole you say? Not very nice! hmm well never mind that, what do you want? hmmm” the man/woman stated in a slight drawl.

Pedro was taken aback “well…err…hello? I’m here for the interview…” he stuttered.

The person changed his tone and took on a pirate accent “ahar! I knew it, a new victim eh lad eh? ahar, and I suppose you be liking a cup of tea me hearty? ahar!”

“why are you talking like a pirate?” Pedro was losing patience. He kept quiet waiting for an answer.

There was a short uncomfortable silence until Pedro had to say something.

“ah never mind, I would like a cappucino” he said irritated already by this person.

The employee began to mock him “ooh a cappucino for his lordship.” The voice went from pirate to serious “listen son we don’t like arrogant people here, my names Gretchen. Watch it or ill cut yer balls off.”

“but…” Pedro interjected.

“and we don’t like people making fun of us” Gretchen kept on.

“but…”

Gretchen ignored the interruption “so do yourself a favour…”

As Gretchen was about to finish the telephone rang, three loud rings that echoed through the building. Gretchen ran to it like his life depended on it.

“Hello?!” Gretchen asked impatiently. He keeps eyeing up Pedro whilst listening, he scowled and grinned. His/her face Co rotting with emotion.

“Ok, if you say so. Your the boss, i’ll let him know.” Gretchen slammed the phone down hard.

Pedro went to walk out the door thinking the telephone call was telling him the position was filled. Besides his first experience of this place was so bizarre he wanted to go.

A high pitched scream followed him “And where do you think you are going?”

Pedro held his ears, that voice! He turned around and stuttered “Oh, i thought.. That the boss had decided to not have an interview.”

Gretchen scowled at Pedro “You’ve got the job mate, manager says he saw you on CCTV so there ya go.”

“Really?” Pedro was shocked.

“Nah, you can go, im only joking.” Gretchen grinned hard.  Another uncomfortable silence ensued.

“Oh ok, dont really wanna be here anyway.” Pedro was getting angry now, this creature was so bizarre.

“Damn it! I was kidding around ya can start tomorrow. Now fuck off you nubble.” Gretchen scowled again at Pedro, he waved him off impatiently.

Pedro exasperated “Fuck sake! Have i got it or not?!”

“Yes! Oh you are feisty! They will make a meal of you!” Gretchen said in a very camp voice.  He turned his back on Pedro and disappeared in the camouflaged wall.

The Revenge of the King – An Introduction!


An Introduction to The Hero :

Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars.

He is now all but the whisper of legend and uber myths, a lone figure in the history of the world. His ego would be highly dissapointed after the shit hes been through.

His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress. I mean he sounded like a Bee Gee only a higher tone, he once shattered some glass by whispering.

He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was. They would see this beautiful hero rescuing them and then he would talk, game over.

He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant, or so he would believe! The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know readers it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.

This turtle who he believed to be his best friend, secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Tourists, having had enough of him pissing around she fled the scene thinking it was her chance to leave.

Gero found her though after the heat of the battle and stayed by her, he waved at her and ran very fast to catch up to her. He began to tell her all the people he had maimed and killed whilst laughing merrily, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.

Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus! It began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes thats right, itsp a talking walrus.

It would shout out things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!” This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride. One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”

And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper had put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out. He was advised that the world would be better of without the walrus and that trade would resume back to normal.

Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king who had put out the reward. He became obsessed and thought of nothing else.

Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus. What a pretty boy!

And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will and did so regularly. Apparently it started of as a joke and the king had become addicted to it.

Aldo in some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed! It also makes sense as a plot device to add into the mix.

So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests by the castle court, they were happy to help out as they hated the King. If course they didnt do anything when he was alive but there you go.

Gero took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. A religious cult that sprang up pretty much as the king died. He went and searched for Gero across the land.

And here begins our new tale….finally.

The Death Of Bruce Delaney : Chapter 2 : The New Eyes


Bruce followed his eldest son out the hospital wing, he who had looked after him for so long in his old age. The tears streaming down his son Donald’s face, he was anguished and torn apart by the grief.

If Bruce could tell him he would tell him to “man up” or “stop being such a wally”.  

Suddenly without warning Donald looked to his right where Bruce stood and held his are out. Bruce put his hand over his sons and suddenly Donald’s body was glistening and sparkling.

Donald never noticed or showed surprise at this so Bruce assumed it was just for his eyes.  His son let out a little snicker.

“Don’t be a wally” he said aloud sobbing and smiling through the anguish. Bruce smiled and let out a little giggle, he knew his son would be OK.

His son slumped to the ground and kept crying, his hand over his head as if to hold the grief up that dragged his head down.

He could hear voices far away, children’s voices asking “Where’s Grumpy Granda?”.  The voices he knew were Donald’s two small children, he would miss them alot. They had his cheeky ways and a good sense of humor.

A little hand touched Bruce’s, right next to Donald’s slumped body was a little girl no less than eight years old.

“My daddy misses me very much!” she said putting her arms around Donald. “If only he knew how lovely and pretty it is! I miss him and my mummy too, they will have fun with me when they get here”.

Bruce was in shock at the little girl, her hair in curls and little bows going up and down in plaits. Her blue dress immaculate complete with pure white socks and little shiny blue shoes.

“Maria?’ Bruce asked.

“Yes I’m Maria, at least I think so. I’m waiting for my daddy so I can get my new name” the little girl giggled and smiled. She twirled like a ballerina, full of fun.

Bruce thought of this little girl, 8 years ago Donalds wife Sarah had a baby.  The baby was delivered but was still born, her name was Maria.  The same little girl he was speaking to right now.

The little girl looked at her daddy, her smile evaporated and became thoughtful. She looked at him and then to Bruce. 

“He misses us lots and lots grandpa” she looked a little sad “he doesn’t know how happy we all will be!” her sweet voice stated.  the smile was back and she twirled and giggled.

Bruce could not help but wrap his arms around the little girl and hugged with all his might. how precious and beautiful she was, with tears in his eyes he smiled. he was coming to terms with his new life.

“I wouldn’t be too happy if I we’re you!” snarled a voice, Bruce stood up and put Maria behind him. he saw a black cloud just near the far wall where the room Bruce died.

Snarling like a dog emitted from this cloud. Maria came out from behind Bruce’s back.

“It’s the bad people grandpa.  don’t worry, you are safe” her voice confident.

A long arm came out of the cloud with sharp talons and spikes that looked like hair. it laughed maniacally and cursed obscenities.

Donald shook from his sobbing and stopped concentrating, the creature whispered negative things and Bruce saw that Donald was agreeing as if they were his own thoughts.

He started hitting himself in despair, the creature laughed as it’s arm came ever closer to Donald.  it’s full body was emerging from the black cloud, Bruce saw horns and gnashing teeth. Red eyes glowed with hatred and malice.  Bruce went forwards, he instinctively had to protect his son.

As Bruce walked forward the dark cloud shuddered, the demon fixed it’s eyes on him.  it started to swipe at him but could not touch Bruce, it seemed he was protected. it spat at him many times and cursed obscenities once again.

The cloud was getting smaller and Donald had stopped hitting and believing the demons lies.  the demon roared one final time and was gone as soon as Bruce got to it.

“You’re brave grandpa! I love you!” Maria yelled excitedly.

“Thank you Maria, I love you too!” he ran to her and picked her up, the twirled around and around the hospital wing. Her dad unknowingly saved from the forces of evil.  

Maria left him a few hours later to go explore the world. Bruce wanted to see the other family members, he dreaded if another demon appeared.