The Crescent : No.10


“He’s been banging her for years Marge!” The middle age man breathlessly said, then taking another draw of his rollie ” I mean my god her husband doesn’t even know!”.

Marge looked at her husband with a grin, she loved the gossip.  As she grinned the massive gap between her front teeth could be seen.  Holding her baby like a badge.

“I know Fred, right? She goes on the school run, comes home and does the dirty deed. The tramp!” She smiled, Fred was a loyal husband and she knew he’d never cheat.

There was a loud sound from the loft, they could hear it down in the kitchen.

“I swear there’s rats up there, I may have to have a look love” Fred said.

“No, don’t worry. I don’t think it’s rats. Probably just the wind, it gets draughty up there” marge mimicked the wind “I’ll have a look in a while”

“Alright so Marge, I’ll leave it to you!”

He puffed on the last of his rookie, put down his mug of tea and grandly announced he was going to the job centre.

Marge stood at the window and tutted at her neighbour who was having an affair. “Dirty old trough, imagine carrying on like that” she tutted once more.

Fred looked at her, he was happy to have such a loyal woman.  Best one on the estate, he got a real catch there.

He stood up, gave Marge a kiss on the cheek and got his keys.

“Don’t forget the list!” She said and pulled out a list longer than a toilet roll. “We need the basics love”.

“Fair dos, I’ll see you later love” he said lovingly.  He closed the front door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Marge put the baby straight in his travel cot and went sprinting upstairs.  She got an old broom and tapped on the attic door.  The loft hatch opened and the built in ladder slid down. A man came down the ladder.

“Is he gone?” The man asked wiping sleep from his eye.

“Yes, now come over here and do me harder than a bottle of lambrini!”

The man obliged and went full throttle.

And so here starts the tale of The Crescent.  A little housing area were everyone gets involved in each others lives.  Marge and Fred are one of many families that live in the Crescent.

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The Crescent : No.22


The poshness of number 22 can not be described.  Everything in the house was cold and organised. Immaculate and clean, straight and efficient.

 Josephine had a highly paid job and her husband had a monopoly on his services.

Josephine sat on the sofa drinking a green tea when a rap at the door.  Josephine rolled her eyes and went straight to the door.

She opened it.

It was her pimp.

“Yo posh nosh where ya been last night girl?” He asked calmly.

“Hey Norman…” she started.

“Don’t hey Norman me with that bullshit. Shit…you’re my money. Remember that!” Norman was getting irritated.

“Sorry” she replied sheepishly.

“Well shit ain’t ya gonna ask your daddy in?” 

“Y-y-yes by all means come in” Josephine ushered him in. Norman looked around.

“Mmmm, lordy, you have got some fine shit in here. Mmm hmm.” Norman was holding a crystal bear ornament.  He laughed a little.

“Well uh, I expected some work done for me last night” he started undoing his buttons “so I expect you to work hard right now”.

Josephine was already undressed and bent over.  Expecting it.

Just as Norman was about to take his clothes off the rattling of keys. Josephine’s husband.

Norman’s face switched from lustful to serious in an instant. Josephine stared hard at the door, in walked her husband Kyle.

Kyle looked at his naked wife then at Norman. Norman stared and broke the silence.

“Bitch! Where were you last night? You my number one rent boy, bitch!” Norman yelled.

“I was just taking the night off boss, I’ve got sting ring” Kyle replied.

“Bitch please, sit on over there” Norman said pointing at the sofa. He gave a disgusted look “gave you employee of the month and everything”. He turned back to Josephine.

“sting ring! PAH!”

The Trolley Ghost


Kaje was a worker at Sunrays Bins, a local supermarket where the happiest customers often shopped.  So happy that they screamed, ranted and argued with incredible joy! 

Kaje was a happy go lucky kind of guy who always had a smile on his chops.  He would often help little old ladies with their shopping whilst occasionally taking a tip or two.  He was very jolly and would often joke and play pranks on other colleagues. But he could be serious when the occaisiob arose.

So he was a trolley attendant and always remained faithful and duty bound to collecting the little buggers from all sorts of places.  Once, he found a trolley in a toilet which was even more embarrassing because it was stuck in a female cubicle.  

He loved his job until one day…. 

He would remember this day for the rest of his trolley days.  He killed a man with a snake line of deadly trollies.  Number 32 of the 213 trollies he looked after was at the front.  He was like a shepherd tends to his sheep.

Yes I guess you could say he was the saviour of trolleys.

I digress, Kaje was pulling trolleys to and from locations scattered across the car park. 

Then it happened!!

A young gangly fella appeared out of nowhere, the guy was under extreme duress after having (Kaje heard later) an argument in-store over a refund policy gone wrong.  The guy was called Jonny and he did not see the snake of trolleys speeding towards him.

So infuriated was the man that the last thing Kaje saw was a popping vein in his head.  Kaje screamed to the man but it was too late.

Poor Jonny was squished beneath the line of trolleys and was instantly crushed.  Kaje ran over to the man and heard his last words.

“You killed me…damn refund policy” the man paused, his face turned to anger “Are you listening to me? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”

Kaje nodded his head sadly and the man calmed then slowly closed his eyes and that was the last thing he saw, a trolley attendant holding him.

But that was not the end. God no, it was only the beginning.

A week or two later Kaje started getting some fuzzy tingly feelings.  Number 32 trolley was at the front of the snake that killed poor unfortunate Jonny.  It was this particular trolley that had a mind of its own.

It kept ramming into Kaje at the most random times, it was always vibrating and Kaje would get depressed when he took charge of it.

It was a month later after many knocks and bruises that the true nature of the trolley was revealed.  The Trolley inadvertently trapped the soul of jonny and he was attached to it forever.  Jonny appeared to Kaje in an attempt for him to be released.

“unbelievable man, I was just going home and you killed me” Jonny ranted going around the trolley “don’t even like this store”

Kaje just looked on open mouthed, scared but unsure of what was happening. Jonny carried on ranting.

“I was just going home and you” he pointed his long finger at Kaje who jumped “YOU! YOU…you…flamingo!”.  He was making a point of Kajes bright pink high viz.

“But I didnt…you walked…uh” Kaje stopped as he was aware some people were staring.  He grabbed the trolley and started to walk, Johnny got in.

“Ah so this is where we are at my good man!” Jonny smiled menacingly “I can talk but you can’t.. .this should be fun!”

Kaje jumped out of his skin when jonny jumped out of nowhere.

“God damn it jonny!” He said exasperated, his face turned from shock to anger. Jonny stared whilst smiling goofily.  A group of customers at Sunrays Bins started to stare.

There’s that crazy trolley fella at it again they thought.  Kaje face turned red, embarrassed. Jonny continued to stare goodly then he broke the silence.

“Well you did crush me to death with the trollies!” Jonny smiled “what’s a little surprise between two friends?” With this Jonny faded into nothingness leaving Kaje alone.

Just as Kaje was about to get back to work the manager of Sunrays Bins came running out, her long blonde locks flowing behind her as she ran towards Kaje.  He saw her in slow motion running, she stopped running and approached Kaje.

“Kaje!!! Customers are complaining again of you talking to yourself!” Her blue eyes looked worried “are you Ok?”

As soon as she finished Jonny came out of nowhere and yelled at the top of his lungs “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Kaje screamed in terror, the manager fell back nearly losing her feet. She looked at Kaje worried “take rest of the day off Kaje”.

Jonny was blowing raspberries and shouting obscenities at Kaje.  Kaje had to shout over Jonny noise as he couldn’t concentrate properly.

“BUT I’M OK LEANE!” He shouted, the manager was looking a bit cross as he was shouting and there were customers watching.  Jonny continued calling over his shouting “I’VE JUST BEEN…UNDER..A..BIT OF…STRESS!” 

Leane pulled Kaje to the side and whispered angrily in his ear “Listen you wee gobshite don’t ever, ever shout at me in front of customers.  I don’t let anyone talk to me like that, not even my girlfriend!” She paused and thought for a moment “have a fucking day off, I understand the pressures of moving trolleys and the problem you have dealing with the death of that young man.  Just have a fucking day off!”

She pulled away and looked him in the eye “have a fucking day off!”.

She walked back to the store or rather stomped.  Jonny was still ranting and yelling.  

“Shut the fuck up dead guy!” Kaje quietly said so that no one could hear him but Jonny.  Jonny stopped immediately and lunged at Kaje but fell through Kajes body. Kaje sniggered in spite of himself, jonnys face was a grimace.  Pure hatred was on his face. 

“RIGHT! before I go…and thank you for the day off my friend…i want to set some ground rules.” Kaje had had enough and was determined in his course of conversation.

“You cannot leave far away from this” he pointed at the trolley “so what I will do if you carry on is just abandon the trolley, if it comes back it will be left! We are stuck in this predicament.”

Jonny interrupted “because of You!”

Kaje continued through gritted teeth “be that as it may…i will not be dealing with this the way you want. Who would talk to you if I were gone?  No one would stay in the job long enough!” Jonny mouth was open in shock.

So with the quiet conversation finished he left Sunray Bins and went home and relaxed.  He was having a nice time with a chilled beer and some pizza when a rap at the door.

He opened the door, an empty trolley.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Jonny jumped out of nowhere.  Kaje jumped, his beer bottle flying through the air, his pizza thrown straight up.  Kaje fell to the floor in a heap, the pizza landing neatly on his head with a plop.

Jonny rolled around on the floor laughing and roaring.

This meant war, oh yes, it was on!

Kaje groaned.  It was gonna be a long day.

Retro Classic Review : Quest for Glory 1 – So you want to be a hero? (VGA version)


Quest for Glory 1 – Disappointed there isn’t a Dragon

This is the first RPG I ever played and I recently discovered I could play it in all its glory right here!

I have to say that I was not disappointed at how nostalgic I became from replaying this Sierra classic.  After all I was only a child when I discovered it in 1995 and played it on my step dads Atari ST (EGA Version) eventually landing a state of the art PC with the VGA Version!

I was so excited I could play this game on the brand spanking new PC, it took 30 minutes to install and play.  It was so worth the wait and i looked at it in awe as the Sierra screen flashed.  

The senses came back to me as I played recently online, a faint familiar whirring of an old pc, the excitement of carrying on my adventure…the cheeky “sick” days so I could play the game.

This was truly an experience for me as a child and the game stayed with me through new games I discovered.  Through Final Fantasy Vii to Skyrim I always remembered this game fondly.

From the opening credits my childish eyes were mesmerized by the detail in the graphics, the amazing 3 games in one (Fighter/Thief/Mage) and the way it was so replayable.

I always seemed to name my character the same Drizzt, after the infamous Drow I read about, it just seemed to be my thing. 

Back into the game it seemed so cool to have all these options and silly puns, it appealed to my silly Monty Pythonesque humor. 

It truly is a gem of a game and although I find some of it too repetitive now but it still has a little treasure left in the playability. 

So you want to be a hero?  Well read on…

——————————————————-

The game starts as I said with three character classes.  yes the old age question in the lore of games…Sneaky Thiefy? Sagey Magey? Tighter Fighter?  The choice is absolutely down to your preference.  Ive played them all but I always have a warm spot for the Thief.  I guess its just the sneaking and getting into situations that are tricky.

So after choosing your class the adventure starts and you stroll casually into the town of Spielberg, a quaint Germanic looking town that has a castle nearby, a healers shop and on the west is a creepy cemetery.

The town itself has an adventure guild, a magic shop, an inn, a wee market stall (ask for a date!), an item shop and an inn.  There are other stores but I think the owners had a stroke of bad luck and all they do is spend their days in the inn.

Highly recommend the Dragons Breath by the way.

You stroll into town and immediately the Sherrif and Yo Yo mad Otto have spotted you.  What kind of ruffian has wandered in to this humble town?  Its you, you silly nana.

You ask the questions by changing the hand icon to the lip icon and click over the sheriff, don’t bother with Otto because hes in love with his yo yo.

So anyway once you start chatting with various characters you start to get a feeling that something is not right in the valley, indeed it is not! 

Theres lots of hostile creatures after you, an ogress by the unscary name of Baba Yaga, missing selfish children, brigands and a freaking minotaur!

I wont go into too much storyline but theres plenty to explore and the battle system is cool.  Little jokes and puns make this game really fun also.

Anyways enjoy the game!  Its amazing and any questions let me know! Whats even better is that theres five more and one more in production.

How good is that?

David’s Knowledge (near death experience)



David was a very depressed man, for whatever reason he could never understand what drove him to despair. Something ugly drove his negative ambition, something that wouldn’t give in.  A nagging overwhelming sensation that brought him to where he was now.

He sat still on the chair, gasping between crying, with the gun pointing into his head. The Webley MK Vi wobbled terribly in his hand with every sob.

One second and it will all be over he thought frantically against the tidal wave of emotional pain.

Suddenly his eyes looked to the door, something had grabbed his attention. He shook his head then looked into the barrel of the gun.

Suddenly.

The door knob rattled and shook violently, a loud creak of the door. Irritated, David cursed, he wanted it over with. Then the door opened and light flooded the dark room.

He lowered the gun, he got up slowly out of the chair and went to the door. Slowly and steadily he walked to the portal, the light was extremely painful. He had not seen much light in a month. Every step was agony.

Slowly passing through the door he peeked out and peered down the right side of the hall, nothing.  Then looked to the left, empty. He turned and at the very end of the room was the dark outline of a horned creature.

He shook his head, the fear rising. He looked again and the figure had disappeared. He thought it was the pills he’d been taking. He laughed bitterly, he felt quite pitiful.

The residual depression rising in his lungs.  His mind came back to reality. He was about to cry with the heartbreak of what he wanted to do.
A hand steadied his shoulder and he felt all the pain and torment taken away.  A voice gentle and meek said “calm, follow me”.  His vision melted away and the last thing he saw was an open door.

His body fell to the ground but his spirit soared out of his body.  Flying towards the universe at unspeakable speed, the absolute joy flooding his mind.  Never had he experienced it so sweetly.

He was addicted to the sheer will of the universe, the knowledge the stars and vast blanket of night had to offer.

His spirit came to a halt.

“This is the centre of the universe” said the familiar voice, it was beside him.

A man stood next to him, he was middle aged with a kind face and a pony tail.  He wore a cloak that changed colour by his mind.

“What am I doing here?” David asked with sincerity, every inch of pain was left behind in his earthly body.

“You have been chosen David, to be shown things the world needs.  I am your guardian angel, I have been with you your entire existence.  Before you were born and after.  But before I go further, I must warn you that things you will learn will put you in danger” the Angel said with calmness.

“What danger? And why me?” David asked.

“The forces of evil will be after you for your knowledge, you will learn in time.  However, let me introduce myself. I am Grionia and I have many names, I shall only share this name with you.  Any time you need me this will be my gift. I can protect you.  Now, let me show you these things.” With a wave of his hand Grionia made ripples in space and stars moved out the way, very much like a curtain.  Behind this dark curtain pure light penetrated.

Grionia, Dave’s memory started to flit through images. He remembered this man!  He had known him for a long time but the mortal coil had blocked and blinded him. Images of laughter and happiness flooded his brain to the point he thought he’d explode.  His soul soared and he was prepared for anything.

“Come!” Grionia commanded.

They flew through the dark curtain into the pure light, he was home he thought. He was happy! As soon as they went though he landed on ground that was tangible, his spirit feet felt the warmth.

He looked up and for miles and miles in the air people had come to greet him. These were family members of past generations he thought but not all were there which brought dismay.

He had the urge to find them, that everyone of them were important to him. Grionia was instantly by his side.

“You can’t save them all David” he shook his head sadly “some don’t want to be saved”. With that he flew up.

People came towards him from above and greeted him, he remembered every one of them. They issued words which initiated thoughts of how they knew of his life on earth.  At times of trouble in his life and how they cried or laughed with him throughout his 33 years of life.

He loved them all.

Eventually they all said their words and dispersed. He was with grionia again, and the scenery shimmered into fields of emerald with bright blue and pink skies. Trees of many colours littered the fields with fruit of allsorts.  Streams babbled by and animals frolicked.  He saw his puppy from his youth that had died of a liver dysfunction.  The Labrador puppy sprang toward him with his tail wagging, telepathically the dog said “I love you and have missed you” then sprang backwards and forwards.

David walked for miles and miles taking I’m the beauty.  Grionia didn’t say much but let David in peace take it all in.  Then suddenly stopped.

“You have a mission David” he said abruptly ” you have to preach to people about the world after, people have lost touch of spirituality.  But it is at a vital point.  You are not the only one, the great deceiver is hard at work to destroy everything.  Take a look at everything here”

The beautiful image melted, replaced by burning trees, wilted flowers, dried up river beds and smelt of brimstone.

“This is what will happen, if the great deceiver wins” grionia sounded downbeat.

“God won’t let that happen” David replied but he was stopped in his tracks when grionia guffawed loudly.

“God! God! There’s no such thing my friend, take a look around! Do you see a majestic celestial being in the sky?” He waved his hand around. “God is a fiction, but we! We are beings of greatness, I guess we would be god’s and goddesses by your reckoning but we are one.  Not one above the other!”

Dave looked sadly and shook his head.

“Then what’s the point of it all, what’s the meaning of life?” He felt that old feeling of despair creep in.

“Don’t you see? Its knowledge, it’s always been knowledge.  You’ve seen 0.1 percent of this place, there’s infinite knowledge you can learn.  The point of life, the meaning is knowledge.” He waved his hand again and the landscape changed back to the beautiful scenery.

“But the great deceiver, he is real and he is amassing an army of followers.  He was cast out, he peopled giants on your earth with the daughters of man. He tried to biologically imprint his army on earth. He failed miserably when we worked on extreme weather and sent the flood. He is trying once more to put a body of deceivers on earth. You and others will confront this “devil” as you would call him.  He is real and he will not stop”.

“Look!” He waved his hand an a giant image appeared in the sky. A large giant stood in the image, it was like a grotesque gargoyle however the body of an angry man.  He kept uttering commands and throwing groups of people for miles.  His image stunned David and he recoiled in terror.

“You are safe here” grionia uttered.

The giant man in the image turned his head slowly to look straight into the beautiful land.  It pointed straight at David and let out an almighty roar, it screamed instantly after and his razor blade teeth gnashed.

“I will get you David, you shall bow before me! You shall fail!!” The creature screeched. David became afraid.

“It is you who shall fail, Chuthra! You who is imprisoned in a false prison! You cannot win, these brave soldiers will put an end to your misery!” Grionia replied calmly.

The creature mocked him, spewed and spat. He was insanely cruel and showed it by chewing on a human and spitting her out.  Her body becoming one when it hit the ground.

David recoiled in terror.  Grionia waved his hand, the image disappeared.  Exasperated, he knew that creature and always had.  A distant memory occurred to him of pushing and shoving this Chuthra.

Grionia turned to David and with a smile said to be still.

David was instantly calm and the joy was creeping back. He felt happy in this place once again. He thought about his life and how meaningless it was, how he spent more time in depression when he could be swimming in joy. This place was an open and transparent place, full of every secret in the universe.  Except here it wasn’t secret, it was knowledge.

“It is time David, let us begin” grionia sat him on the grass and knelt behind him.  He put his hands to David’s head and pushed lightly down.

An exhilarating rush of pure energy pulsed into David’s spiritual body. He felt warm and radiant, he was full of truth. He cried with the power of this knowledge.  Grionia finished.

“It is done.  You must go. Please throw the gun away, it will solve nothing.    Return to your body, I will instruct you 3 days hence. Your home is protected. Go!” Grionia was forcefully this time and shown his hidden power.

David felt a magnet pulling him through the scenery, out of the light into the darkness, through the universe and fell straight into his body. His body jerked quite alot and settled, his breathing returning. The body felt like a weight, a heavy wet towel dragging his soul down.

He awakened and saw the gun lying a few yards from him, the door still ajar.  He closed it quickly. He sighed, saddened to be in his body again. He looked at the clock, 20:08 the clock read. He was puzzled.  He planned to kill himself 8pm on the dot, he was dead for 8 minutes!

David looked at the gun and noticed there was a bit of smoke, which meant it was fired very recently. He looked in the chamber and sure enough a bullet was missing.

He looked around the room for a bullet hole, he noticed a dark hole in the top right corner. Who fired it? He became anxious and scared. He flicked every light on in the house. Checked every room, every closet and every door. Except the outside, he couldn’t bear to look.

A knock at the door.

He became scared, who knew what or whom was knocking.  He hesitated.  The door knocking came back harder. He became anxious, he walked tentatively towards the door.  The knocking became pounding and he heard scratching.  The scratching sounded desperate.

A voice entered his mind “be calm David, chuthra has sent his minions.  Do not be alarmed you and your home are protected.  Open the door”.

He walked slowly towArds the door, obediently he opened it.  It flung out of his hand and there stood six creatures full of hate, leering and drooling with venom.

Monstrous beasts, one with one eye and rest of the group had three. They rasped and mocked him.

“You will die David, son of Greta, and Chuthra will devour you!” The one eyed creature declared whilst examine the doorway. His lizard tongue smacking every way.  The other creatures laughed and mocked, they sent thoughts into David’s head of being impaled with barbed rods and being moved up and down for all of eternity.

He winced, scared beyond measure. The creatures knew this and fed off his fear.  Smacking their lips hungrily, he knew they wanted to rip his mortal body from limb to limb.

“Can we come in? You’re only delaying the inevitable” the creature asked with a sly look as it moved it’s head side to side.

Grionias voice was back “don’t accept their invitation!”

“No!!” David replied.

The beasts all jumped in to the flat, or at least they tried to.  The room filled with a barrier of such force that the creatures were scared, they screeched and howled, clawed and bit at the barrier.  It was impenetrable.  David had solace and felt safe.

“We will be back!!” One of them screeched.

The barrier faded and the doorway was empty, David hurriedly closed the door.