Blodoni – Prologue


The dark surrounded the campfire as three silent figures ate their meal, a foreboding sense of doom filling the air mixed with the stench of the smoke.

“I don’t like it” one of the figures broke the silence, he took a deep swig from the doeskin container “I don’t like it one bit”. He stood up and looked at the other two who were still sitting.

“Quieten down Bavaal! you want them to hear us?” a snarling voice behind a cowl, the shadow of this ones face shown the delicate face of a woman but a scar from her chin to her neck “Sit down you fool!”

“I’ll quieten down when I kill that bastard Crag, Rhytal and not one minute before” he shot back at her. Immediately a spark flew from the third quiet person and the spark made the great man slump to the ground, silently snoring now.

Rhytal smiled menacingly and turned to the figure “Thanks my zelka, he has been intolerable!”

They nodded at each other.

The figure pulled towards Rhytal and with piercing gold eyes said softly and silently.

“Nom mervai severni o Cutrtha ” The fire reflecting and dancing as if alive in his pupils.

Rhytal smiled “Yes, indeed Pupilo he should be asleep but not in death, we need him for the time being…” her words dragged off as there was a snapping of twigs to the side, instantly the two rose. Rhytal gave a hard kick to Bavaal who woke up coughing and spluttering.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” he shouted.

“Shhhhh you fool, theyre here!” The woman gave him another kick to make sure he understood.

Bavaal turned to face the darkness his sword drawn like the other two. Voices surrounded them. “Who?” exasperated.

“Shouldn’t have come” the voices repeated from all directions “we gonna kill you”

“Cravos Otheos” Pupilo muttered as the magic in his hands pulsed and vibrated waiting for the right moment.

Rhytal swung her sword into the pitch black, catching nothing, Bavaal felt something tug his boot. His arm tingled with fear, these wernt ordinary creatures.

“Shouldn’t have come” the voices repeated “you will die”.

“Magillo!” Pupilo yelled loudly, instantly a bright dome blew up and surrounded the three of them. Bavaal looked through the blue light and could see the creatures, there were 12 of them with the reddest eyes. Half human and half snake creatures baring their fangs, hissing and smiling. They slithered here and there trying to break the magic dome, their claws raking the dome, testing it.

Pupilo looked on without fear, the dome would hold forever against these beasts. They retreated back to the darkness out of view from the blue light. Rhytal put her sword away and looked at Baaval.

“What in the name of Bagorn are they?” he was visably shaken by the sight of these creatures.

“Why! don’t you know? We are in the middle of Morgovia, surely even the great knight Baaval knows what they are” Rhytal laughed at the scared mountain of a man. “Oh put your sword away, we are protected” she sat down with a plump, he was still standing. He annoyed her, just the sight of the oaf irritated her.

She swung her leg fast and before he knew it he was on the ground.

He looked up at her angrily, shook the dust of his armour.

“Just answer the damn question wench” his blood boiling,

“Blodoni” Pupilo answered for her still he was staring out in the darkness.

Baaval exchanged a confused look still.

“And what pray fuck is Blodoni?” Baaval looked from him to Rhytal.

“Vampire” she said.

“I don’t believe you” he said, instantly a screech to his left shattered the peace and Baaval let out a scream of surprise.

Rhytal turned over with the biggest smile on her face, she tried to stifle the laugh as his pride had been wounded enough tonight. The screeches continued into the night but she slept through it, she had had worse nights than this.

The twelve creatures surrounded the dome, silence eventually falling, they glared with evil dripping from their eyes. Licking and smacking of the lips until the sun started to rise and they retreated to their sanctuary.

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The Revenge of the King – An Introduction!


An Introduction to The Hero :

Gerostamacamimo del baristaminimo or Gero as I call the hero of this tale (just to make my life easier!) was a fantastic hero in the Dark Ages of The Twanger wars.

He is now all but the whisper of legend and uber myths, a lone figure in the history of the world. His ego would be highly dissapointed after the shit hes been through.

His long blonde locks were drenched in the colour of sun and his piercing blue eyes were the colour of the sky. His only downfall was that he had the high pitched voice of a damsel in distress. I mean he sounded like a Bee Gee only a higher tone, he once shattered some glass by whispering.

He never ever had a chance with the ladies as gallant as he was. They would see this beautiful hero rescuing them and then he would talk, game over.

He also rode a giant turtle who became his friend and confidant, or so he would believe! The turtle was named Shelly and she was the fastest turtle to grace the land of Obituary. I know readers it truly is a morbid name for the land but it is what it is.

This turtle who he believed to be his best friend, secretly despised him and would smile at his lame jokes and fake emotion when he was losing battles. The turtle even abandoned him in the Battle of the Tourists, having had enough of him pissing around she fled the scene thinking it was her chance to leave.

Gero found her though after the heat of the battle and stayed by her, he waved at her and ran very fast to catch up to her. He began to tell her all the people he had maimed and killed whilst laughing merrily, every time he talked she rolled her eyes at the high pitched voice.

Now our hero Gero went on many quests to save fair maidens from clichés, overthrow usurpers of kingdoms and defeat mighty beasts and foes. One such quest was the defiler of the Wiggly Seas! A huge monstrosity of a 7 fanged walrus! It began terrorising passing ships with insults. Yes thats right, itsp a talking walrus.

It would shout out things like “you’re overcompensating with that boat!” And “you couldn’t get a boat wet on the sea!” This walrus was an abomination and seafarers had committed the ultimate sacrifice as this walrus wounded their pride. One such victim was reported to scream to his death “you’re so mean!”

And so it was that King Geobald The Master Usurper had put out a reward upon this walrus to be taken out. He was advised that the world would be better of without the walrus and that trade would resume back to normal.

Unfortunately for the king our hero wanted the reward for ousting the usurper king who had put out the reward. He became obsessed and thought of nothing else.

Be careful what you wish for I guess! Besides our hero didn’t want to get his clothes and hair wet anyway fighting this walrus. What a pretty boy!

And so the king was overthrown after a ridiculously long duel to the death with our hero. In a weird twist it turned out that the king was actually the walrus, he could transform at will and did so regularly. Apparently it started of as a joke and the king had become addicted to it.

Aldo in some weird plan the king wanted to be rid of various trade routes. Illuminati confirmed! It also makes sense as a plot device to add into the mix.

So Gero was paid handsomely for both quests by the castle court, they were happy to help out as they hated the King. If course they didnt do anything when he was alive but there you go.

Gero took as much treasure from the castle vaults. He was the happiest hero in the land. Until the king came back from the dead via a Court Wizard who was a devout follower of the 7 Fanged Walrus. A religious cult that sprang up pretty much as the king died. He went and searched for Gero across the land.

And here begins our new tale….finally.

Retro Classic Review : Quest for Glory 1 – So you want to be a hero? (VGA version)


Quest for Glory 1 – Disappointed there isn’t a Dragon

This is the first RPG I ever played and I recently discovered I could play it in all its glory right here!

I have to say that I was not disappointed at how nostalgic I became from replaying this Sierra classic.  After all I was only a child when I discovered it in 1995 and played it on my step dads Atari ST (EGA Version) eventually landing a state of the art PC with the VGA Version!

I was so excited I could play this game on the brand spanking new PC, it took 30 minutes to install and play.  It was so worth the wait and i looked at it in awe as the Sierra screen flashed.  

The senses came back to me as I played recently online, a faint familiar whirring of an old pc, the excitement of carrying on my adventure…the cheeky “sick” days so I could play the game.

This was truly an experience for me as a child and the game stayed with me through new games I discovered.  Through Final Fantasy Vii to Skyrim I always remembered this game fondly.

From the opening credits my childish eyes were mesmerized by the detail in the graphics, the amazing 3 games in one (Fighter/Thief/Mage) and the way it was so replayable.

I always seemed to name my character the same Drizzt, after the infamous Drow I read about, it just seemed to be my thing. 

Back into the game it seemed so cool to have all these options and silly puns, it appealed to my silly Monty Pythonesque humor. 

It truly is a gem of a game and although I find some of it too repetitive now but it still has a little treasure left in the playability. 

So you want to be a hero?  Well read on…

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The game starts as I said with three character classes.  yes the old age question in the lore of games…Sneaky Thiefy? Sagey Magey? Tighter Fighter?  The choice is absolutely down to your preference.  Ive played them all but I always have a warm spot for the Thief.  I guess its just the sneaking and getting into situations that are tricky.

So after choosing your class the adventure starts and you stroll casually into the town of Spielberg, a quaint Germanic looking town that has a castle nearby, a healers shop and on the west is a creepy cemetery.

The town itself has an adventure guild, a magic shop, an inn, a wee market stall (ask for a date!), an item shop and an inn.  There are other stores but I think the owners had a stroke of bad luck and all they do is spend their days in the inn.

Highly recommend the Dragons Breath by the way.

You stroll into town and immediately the Sherrif and Yo Yo mad Otto have spotted you.  What kind of ruffian has wandered in to this humble town?  Its you, you silly nana.

You ask the questions by changing the hand icon to the lip icon and click over the sheriff, don’t bother with Otto because hes in love with his yo yo.

So anyway once you start chatting with various characters you start to get a feeling that something is not right in the valley, indeed it is not! 

Theres lots of hostile creatures after you, an ogress by the unscary name of Baba Yaga, missing selfish children, brigands and a freaking minotaur!

I wont go into too much storyline but theres plenty to explore and the battle system is cool.  Little jokes and puns make this game really fun also.

Anyways enjoy the game!  Its amazing and any questions let me know! Whats even better is that theres five more and one more in production.

How good is that?