Warlords


The frigate bounced off the waters with magnificent speed, the calm sea waters disturbed by the great ship Queensbane. Twelve cloth sails propelled the frigate faster than any ship known in Earthengaugh. 

 On board were the 113 crew including the Captain Banobany as well as the 100 ton of plunder. She had sailed the rough seas of Earthengaugh for close to 12 years.  Her red hair always tied in a pony tail under her black hat.  Her immaculate black suit and white shirt stood out against this crew. 

She looked into her spyglass and saw her target.  A ship ahead in the horizon with the flag of Tartha.  Her hated enemy, it’s emblem of a Red Cross with black arrows pointing outwards.

She smiled menacingly and shouted down to the few crew members gambling on the deck.

“Avast!” She yelled.  An instant hush surrounded the deck and the crew looked up in awe. A small grin appeared on her face, she hopped off her platform and somersaulted onto the deck. She landed gracefully and put her hands behind her back.  One hand within easy reach of her scimitar, she paced up and down.

“Those bastards are sailing on a ship a little farther to the North.  We need to be swift! Dead men tell no tales!” She growled the sentence then looked at a few of the faces with a piercing nglare.  “Well?” 

“Get on with it!” She demanded.  A few of the men winced and suddenly the hush turned into shouts of commands. Men rushing here and there, some pulling various ropes to set the main sails up.  One pulled a rope and up rose the flag of the Queensbane.  Four green Daggers pointing in each direction.

The ship’s pace fastened and the ship was soon near the enemy.

******************************

“Captain Banobany will suceed in her mission Lord Commander!” The Queen knelt forward on her throne “you should have more faith in her Sir!”
The Lord Commander grimaced at being scolded by the Queen.  This royal woman was no fool and he knew the price of not taking advice.

“My queen” he started confidently but took a deep breath to think clearly “I trust your judgement but this Captain Banobany is a known pirate”.  

The Queen interrupted.

“Ah! Ah! Ah” she tutted “Not a pirate any more. Dear Sir she’s a privateer!”

The Lord Commander was thrown off guard and his expression was puzzled. The Queen urged him to proceed.  The Lord Commander took another deep breath and continied.

“Nonetheless I have concerns she may turn to our enemies if the price is right.  Hoc confident can we be that she will keep her contract.  This item you need is so precious!” 

The Queen rose from her throne.  She towered over the audience in this grand chamber.  Her mithril throne glittering behind her.

“She will Sir Lancel! For if she does desert us…she will die!” The Queen sat down abruptly and Sir Lancel frowned.  He immediately bowed to hide the frown from this Queen, she was dangerous.

The Queen contemplated her next course of action.  She looked carefully at Sir Lance  his dark eyes showing their true intent and distrust of her plan.  She had to play this out carefully, she could have him executed but then his loyal men would not align themselves with her.

He was a smart man she knew this, with his colourful rainbow hair and brooding honour she had to keep him on side.

“Very well my loyal Lord.  I have decided that you should take a ship of your choosing from my Armada, take the best men in my Kingdom.  Make sure she completes her goal!” The Queen bent forward in her seat “Do this and be successful or I shall send you to the Mithers!”

The Lord Commander winced and bowed once again.  He took his leave with several soldiers behind him.  

The Queen sat back and put her closed hand to her chin as if in contemplation.  Her voice confident she commanded her advisor forward.

“Sir Alistair!” She did not mo e from her stance.

“Yes Ma’am” a stocky little man standing to the right of the queen answered.

“What say you of our current predicament?” The Queen was still staring at the door that was now closed.

“Sir Lancel is a valuable asset to our kingdom.  I fear that although he is loyal he does not trust this pirate” the Queen turned her head abruptly in annoyance.  Sir Alistaire nodded in apology “he does not trust this privateer, I believe this is the best outcome if we are to recover the Shard.”

The Queen turned her head back to the door.

“Hmmm.  Indeed.”  Her eyes narrowed as she thought of the Shard.

****************************

The frigate Queensbane was hurtling towards the enemy ship at dazzling speed, it was less than a league away.  The crew were getting ready for battle, Captain Banobany growled as she took out her spyglass.

She saw the enemy crew loading cannons and running around deck to prepare for battle. She smiled menacingly.

“Boyce!” She shouted and a toothless crewmember with one hand scuttled next to her.

“Yes cap’n?!” Boyce said excitedly.

“Arm the lads! Make sure the boys hold on tight when we near the ship.” The privateer looked back into the spyglass.

“Aye, Cap’n!” He ran off to command the crew to obey the orders.  

The Captain never looked away from the ship, she was looking for weak spots in the ship.  She noticed after closer inspection what looked like charred wood, a tell tale sign the ship had recently put a fire out under the deck.  It was on the aft end of the boat, perfect to sink this ship.

It was a difficult situation as she had orders from the Dreadful Queen to recover a shard and she could not sink it straight away.  That same Queen who blackmailed her into the Royal Contract, her blue eyes narrowed.

“Margyle!” She roared and a tall skinny man appeared to her left side.  

“Yes Captain!” He stood proudly taĺl beside her.  She threw the spyglass behind her and with fast reflex he caught it.

She paced up and down the platform never taking her eyes of the distant ship.  Her arm raised as she did so.

“Take a look in the spyglass, at the aft side just under the main deck.  What do you see?”  She concentrated her pointed finger at the vessel.

Margyle grinned, this woman was not only beautiful but clever “You’ve found a weakness Captain!” 

“I’m thinking to sink the miserable vessel to the depths of Eloin.  But alas there is something I need to attain in it” she narrowed her eyes and glared at Margyle “as Weapon Master good this great frigate I’m wondering if you have any input?”

Margyle took the spyglass away for a moment, he looked at this beautiful woman.  Then he looked back into the spyglass.

“We could still sink the ship…just means that time would be important…and the bravery of the crew” at this point there was a similar at his throat.

“Our crew not brave enough boy?” Sneered Banobany.

He took the spyglass from his eye and looked her straight in the eye “I’m not talking about our crew…but theirs!” The scimitar dissapeared in an instant. She snatched the spyglass back and viewed the ship, she noticed that most of the enemy crew looked malnourished and chaotic.  This might be easy.

“Very well Margyle! Load your cannons and give the order on my sayso!” She turned the steer of the ship and made a straight path to this doomed vessel.

The frigate was closing in cutting the water like a hot knife on butter.  Soon they were organised and the Captain addressed the crew.  Her platform was enough room to give her speech and she started with her scimitar in the air.

“Lads of the sea! Our enemy is not far” her scimatar pointed to the ship “we are but moments from glory! Give your all to this cause and I will give you fortune!  Disobey and you know the consequences!” She squished her sister so fast it seemed a glint of sun had appeared.

“We shall storm the ship! Follow my lead, I will board with half of you, when I do the remaining crew must pull back our frigate to the side and blow a hole into the aft end of that ship!” She put her scimitar away “Draw lots on who is staying and who is storming with me!”

She turned to the enemy ship who was so close now, they would be there storming the vessel in less than 5 minutes. The Captain gave the steer over to a crew member and balanced on the bowsprit, walking so delicately with her scimitar out and a dirk in the other.  

The enemies were moments away and the bowsprit was approaching the vessel quickly.  The Captain grinned menacingly and let out a roar!

“Boys! Get ready for war!”

Serial Ire


The stranger watched her from across the train, the beautiful woman’s face was engrossed in a book entitled “The Lambeg Incident”.  The dark night from the window illuminated her beauty, the occasional strike of light from outside bounced off her soft hair.

His dark beady eyes looked from under his blue cap, his coat had many secrets as it was a long overcoat.  It looked filthy.  His brown hair greasy and scruffy while his little green eyes gazed hungrily at this woman.

The stranger noticed the way her long brown hair flowed freely as if it moved of its own accord.  Almost like he was gazing upon a beautiful medusa, her bright blue eyes piercing every page of her book.

Her bright red lipstick that complimented her genetic make-up and the slow rises of her chest were noticeable to this man sitting far away.

The stranger felt agitated at how beautiful she was, how easy it was for her to move through the world without problem.  He loved her and he hated her.

The bell went off to indicate the next stop was approaching, the beautiful woman swiftly closed her book, grabbed her brown bag and put it in.  She glanced around as to find her exit, she stood up and walked towards the nearest door.  She was coming towards the stranger.

She saw him, she smiled a faint smile.

He gave a crooked smile back, awkward and less beautiful.  As she went past she dropped her bag, as she bent down she revealed her top body.  Her breasts were in full view of the stranger, he looked lustful and the woman caught him at the last moment. 

She pulled up embarrassed, her face a deep shade of red.  Turning her back to the door she couldn’t wait to get out.  The stranger was behind her now, she knew it and could feel his breath on her neck.  He was hunting and she was his victim, the train wasn’t full but she wanted off. 

The doors opened and she rushed off, the stranger calmly walked off and saw her go the opposite direction.  He smiled as he looked at his watch.  23:56.

He walked out the other direction of the platform and found the exit.  He waited there until this woman realised her error.  The London air was warm and stagnant, the rubber from tyres could be smelt for miles as well a the fish from the markets.

A cigarette burning as a lone candle in this cosmopolitan jungle, the animals slept as this predator roamed.  He looked at his watch after a while 00:13.

Just then he heard the lone steps of the woman, her high heels echoeing through the tunnel.  He hid beside the entrance near some empty boxes.

The woman emerged and walked a few steps, she lit a cigarette and took a few deep draws.  The stranger revealed a crowbar he had concealed in his coat.  He walked calmly behind the woman and smacked her over the head with the bar.  A solid crack was heard and the woman was down.

Her bag dropped to the floor and out spilled the contents, her blood spilling out and through the contents.  Her book seeped up blood like a mop, the killer bent down and took the book in his hand.  He read a paragraph at random and chuckled silently.  He dropped the crowbar and left the scene with the book.

He muttered “lust of the bust turns to dust”.  He silently walked away without anyone or anything noticing the killer.

The victim lay face down, her pretty face drenched in blood.  Eyes wide open in an amazed expression, the glimmer of a soul eradicated. 

Such a pretty face…gone. gone forever.

 The Trolley Ghost : Part 2


Kaje jumped out of his skin when jonny jumped out of nowhere.

“God damn it jonny!” He said exasperated, his face turned from shock to anger. Jonny stared whilst smiling goofily.  A group of customers at Sunrays Bins started to stare.

There’s that crazy trolley fella at it again they thought.  Kaje face turned red, embarrassed. Jonny continued to stare goodly then he broke the silence.

“Well you did crush me to death with the trollies!” Jonny smiled “what’s a little surprise between two friends?” With this Jonny faded into nothingness leaving Kaje alone.

Just as Kaje was about to get back to work the manager of Sunrays Bins came running out, her long blonde locks flowing behind her as she ran towards Kaje.  He saw her in slow motion running, she stopped running and approached Kaje.

“Kaje!!! Customers are complaining again of you talking to yourself!” Her blue eyes looked worried “are you Ok?”

As soon as she finished Jonny came out of nowhere and yelled at the top of his lungs “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Kaje screamed in terror, the manager fell back nearly losing her feet. She looked at Kaje worried “take rest of the day off Kaje”.

Jonny was blowing raspberries and shouting obscenities at Kaje.  Kaje had to shout over Jonny noise as he couldn’t concentrate properly.

“BUT I’M OK LEANE!” He shouted, the manager was looking a bit cross as he was shouting and there were customers watching.  Jonny continued calling over his shouting “I’VE JUST BEEN…UNDER..A..BIT OF…STRESS!” 

Leane pulled Kaje to the side and whispered angrily in his ear “Listen you wee gobshite don’t ever, ever shout at me in front of customers.  I don’t let anyone talk to me like that, not even my girlfriend!” She paused and thought for a moment “have a fucking day off, I understand the pressures of moving trolleys and the problem you have dealing with the death of that young man.  Just have a fucking day off!”

She pulled away and looked him in the eye “have a fucking day off!”.

She walked back to the store or rather stomped.  Jonny was still ranting and yelling.  

“Shut the fuck up dead guy!” Kaje quietly said so that no one could hear him but Jonny.  Jonny stopped immediately and lunged at Kaje but fell through Kajes body. Kaje sniggered in spite of himself, jonnys face was a grimace.  Pure hatred was on his face. 

“RIGHT! before I go…and thank you for the day off my friend…i want to set some ground rules.” Kaje had had enough and was determined in his course of conversation.

“You cannot leave far away from this” he pointed at the trolley “so what I will do if you carry on is just abandon the trolley, if it comes back it will be left! We are stuck in this predicament.”

Jonny interrupted “because of You!”

Kaje continued through gritted teeth “be that as it may…i will not be dealing with this the way you want. Who would talk to you if I were gone?  No one would stay in the job long enough!” Jonny mouth was open in shock.

So with the quiet conversation finished he left Sunray Bins and went home and relaxed.  He was having a nice time with a chilled beer and some pizza when a rap at the door.

He opened the door, an empty trolley.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Jonny jumped out of nowhere.  Kaje jumped, his beer bottle flying through the air, his pizza thrown straight up.  Kaje fell to the floor in a heap, the pizza landing neatly on his head with a plop.

Jonny rolled around on the floor laughing and roaring.

This meant war, oh yes, it was on!

The Trolley Ghost


Kaje was a worker at Sunrays Bins, a local supermarket where the happiest customers often shopped.  So happy that they screamed, ranted and argued with incredible joy! 

Kaje was a happy go lucky kind of guy who always had a smile on his chops.  He would often help little old ladies with their shopping whilst occasionally taking a tip or two.  He was very jolly and would often joke and play pranks on other colleagues. But he could be serious when the occaisiob arose.

So he was a trolley attendant and always remained faithful and duty bound to collecting the little buggers from all sorts of places.  Once, he found a trolley in a toilet which was even more embarrassing because it was stuck in a female cubicle.  

He loved his job until one day…. 

He would remember this day for the rest of his trolley days.  He killed a man with a snake line of deadly trollies.  Number 32 of the 213 trollies he looked after was at the front.  He was like a shepherd tends to his sheep.

Yes I guess you could say he was the saviour of trolleys.

I digress, Kaje was pulling trolleys to and from locations scattered across the car park. 

Then it happened!!

A young gangly fella appeared out of nowhere, the guy was under extreme duress after having (Kaje heard later) an argument in-store over a refund policy gone wrong.  The guy was called Jonny and he did not see the snake of trolleys speeding towards him.

So infuriated was the man that the last thing Kaje saw was a popping vein in his head.  Kaje screamed to the man but it was too late.

Poor Jonny was squished beneath the line of trolleys and was instantly crushed.  Kaje ran over to the man and heard his last words.

“You killed me…damn refund policy” the man paused, his face turned to anger “Are you listening to me? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”

Kaje nodded his head sadly and the man calmed then slowly closed his eyes and that was the last thing he saw, a trolley attendant holding him.

But that was not the end. God no, it was only the beginning.

A week or two later Kaje started getting some fuzzy tingly feelings.  Number 32 trolley was at the front of the snake that killed poor unfortunate Jonny.  It was this particular trolley that had a mind of its own.

It kept ramming into Kaje at the most random times, it was always vibrating and Kaje would get depressed when he took charge of it.

It was a month later after many knocks and bruises that the true nature of the trolley was revealed.  The Trolley inadvertently trapped the soul of jonny and he was attached to it forever.  Jonny appeared to Kaje in an attempt for him to be released.

“unbelievable man, I was just going home and you killed me” Jonny ranted going around the trolley “don’t even like this store”

Kaje just looked on open mouthed, scared but unsure of what was happening. Jonny carried on ranting.

“I was just going home and you” he pointed his long finger at Kaje who jumped “YOU! YOU…you…flamingo!”.  He was making a point of Kajes bright pink high viz.

“But I didnt…you walked…uh” Kaje stopped as he was aware some people were staring.  He grabbed the trolley and started to walk, Johnny got in.

“Ah so this is where we are at my good man!” Jonny smiled menacingly “I can talk but you can’t.. .this should be fun!”

Kaje groaned.  It was gonna be a long day.

Clumsy Daddy (A Bedtime Story)



Clumsy Daddy woke up with a start.

*BANG*

“Oooh my noggin!” He said clutching his head after banging it from the window sill over his bed.

*TWEET TWEET HEE HEE*

Laughed the birds.  Clumsy Daddy decided to roll out of bed.

*THUMP!*

He landed on the floor with a thump.  He groaned as the birds continued to TWEET and laugh.

“You birds will get it!!” He growled through gritted teeth.

Never mind he thought to himself, I’ll just go downstairs.  So he walked to the bedroom door and opened it very quickly however he did not know the door was slightly ajar.

*BANG!* 

He pulled the door so hard that he hit his nose with some force.

“OWHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He screamed like a little girl.  The birds laughed again.  He put his hand up to rub his nose, he opened the door very sheepishly.

He went to head down the stairs but what he didn’t realise was that there was a roller skate at the top stair. He flipped over and started tumbling down the stairs.

*CRASH!*

*BANG*

“OOF! OUCH!”

*BANG*

*CRASH*

“OOH!”

*THUD!*

He was at the bottom of the stairs in a heap.  What a day he thought to himself.

He recovered after a good hour rest and decided to get up and make some breakfast. So he ran to the kitchen door and did the same thing as the bedroom door upstairs.

*SMACK!*

“Oh double whipped cream!” He cursed in such a sweet way.  He then opened the door gently and entered the kitchen.

He went to the fridge and opened it up to its glorious food heaven. He grabbed a pack of bacon and a tub of butter (He dropped the butter on the floor but didn’t notice!).

So he put the oven on three clicks and took out the grill.  Smacking his lips he was so hungry!  He placed four delicious slices of the fattest bacon upon the grill and shoved it in the oven.  He forgot to take his hand away before he closed the oven door.  Silly clumsy daddy!

*BANG*

“Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Clumsy Daddy was running around the kitchen waving his hand frantically and did the first thing logical to his clumsy brain.  He turned the tap on.

He let it run for 5 seconds then stuck his hand underneath.  What he didn’t realise is that he put the hot water on.

“Owwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee!!” He was feeling very annoyed and hurting! He ran screaming round the kitchen, past the back door which had a dog looking in.  The dog was shrugging it’s shoulders and saying “arff! Rats groing wron?!” Which as we all know is doggy language for whats going on.

Clumsy Daddy calmed down and decided to make himself a coffee, the kettle boiled and he was ready for it.  He poured the hot water in and took a swig.

He spat the coffee everywhere as it was so hot, so hot in fact he couldn’t feel his tongue! 

“Ahhhhhhhhhh ttoooooooooo hooooooot!”

He decided to make some toast, the bread was put in the toaster and clicked down.  He awaited for the delicious toast, he decided he would test his coffee again.  

“Oweeeeeeeee still to loo hot!” He spat the coffee everywhere once again!  The toast popped up ready to be buttered.  He then forgot about the bacon so he rushed to the oven when…

…there lying on the floor was the butter and clumsy daddy went flying around the kitchen in a figure 8.  He unlocked the back door accidently, he knocked over pots and pans and hit his head of a fruit bowl.  

He landed in a heap in the middle of the floor when the dog came bounding in! It started licking clumsy daddy all over and kept going “arff! Arff!”.

Clumsy Daddy groaned, time to go shopping…

Since I’ve got quite a few followers… come show me what ya got!


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A Bingo Tale – The Interview!


Monday

Pedro Poncho arrived at the Bazzingo front doors for his interview, so excited at the prospect of being employed again!  It had been six months since he was out of a job.  Thanks to government cutbacks and various political decisions he was made redundant from his I.T job.

But that was the past and this was the future.  He promised to give this interview all he had, he was out to impress.  And so he walked into Bazzzingo, a bingo company that was doing relatively well. He passed through the threshold and found an empty reception area.

A few chairs, a desk and a TV were in this small area.  It seemed claustrophobic.  Pedro heard a whirring and noticed a camera following him.  He was on edge.

He looked around at the reception area, the place had an overpowering purple decor, everything was purple from walls to chairs.  It was like someone vomited this bright purple colour everywhere!

Pedro started to mutter to himself”Its a bit purple, bit of a shit hole as well..”

As soon as Pedro finished the last syllable a member of the Bazzingo hall staff appears out of nowhere, apparently camouflaged by the purple walls.  His uniform was the same colour!

“A shithole you say? Not very nice! hmm well never mind that, what do you want? hmmm” the man/woman stated in a slight drawl.

Pedro was taken aback “well…err…hello? I’m here for the interview…” he stuttered.

The person changed his tone and took on a pirate accent “ahar! I knew it, a new victim eh lad eh? ahar, and I suppose you be liking a cup of tea me hearty? ahar!”

“why are you talking like a pirate?” Pedro was losing patience. He kept quiet waiting for an answer.

There was a short uncomfortable silence until Pedro had to say something.

“ah never mind, I would like a cappucino” he said irritated already by this person.

The employee began to mock him “ooh a cappucino for his lordship.” The voice went from pirate to serious “listen son we don’t like arrogant people here, my names Gretchen. Watch it or ill cut yer balls off.”

“but…” Pedro interjected.

“and we don’t like people making fun of us” Gretchen kept on.

“but…”

Gretchen ignored the interruption “so do yourself a favour…”

As Gretchen was about to finish the telephone rang, three loud rings that echoed through the building. Gretchen ran to it like his life depended on it.

“Hello?!” Gretchen asked impatiently. He keeps eyeing up Pedro whilst listening, he scowled and grinned. His/her face Co rotting with emotion.

“Ok, if you say so. Your the boss, i’ll let him know.” Gretchen slammed the phone down hard.

Pedro went to walk out the door thinking the telephone call was telling him the position was filled. Besides his first experience of this place was so bizarre he wanted to go.

A high pitched scream followed him “And where do you think you are going?”

Pedro held his ears, that voice! He turned around and stuttered “Oh, i thought.. That the boss had decided to not have an interview.”

Gretchen scowled at Pedro “You’ve got the job mate, manager says he saw you on CCTV so there ya go.”

“Really?” Pedro was shocked.

“Nah, you can go, im only joking.” Gretchen grinned hard.  Another uncomfortable silence ensued.

“Oh ok, dont really wanna be here anyway.” Pedro was getting angry now, this creature was so bizarre.

“Damn it! I was kidding around ya can start tomorrow. Now fuck off you nubble.” Gretchen scowled again at Pedro, he waved him off impatiently.

Pedro exasperated “Fuck sake! Have i got it or not?!”

“Yes! Oh you are feisty! They will make a meal of you!” Gretchen said in a very camp voice.  He turned his back on Pedro and disappeared in the camouflaged wall.